Christmas Checklist - 55

Reviewing my check list,

I ticked them off one by one.

Decorating, shopping, card mailing all done.

But something disturbed me.

Something was amiss.

Was it leaving out mistletoe and missing a kiss?

No, that too, was checked off

but what was it that remained?

Yes!

A Merry Christmas to blogdom

and new friendships gained.

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This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.
For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

Or if you want yet another challenge

write a Sunday 160.

Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

___________________

I promise I will read your 160 and post a comment.

I will admit I'm lazy Sunday mornings lazy, so please be patient

What The Hell Wednesday - Santa's Got A Gun

Somehow I just knew the seamy underbelly of America would come through at Christmas time with an appropriate Holiday story. So I proudly present to you the following as compiled by our dear friends at the Associated Press. Do they still have jobs?

'Santa Claus' robs Rhode Island yacht club bar

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Call it a ho-ho-holdup. (no I didn't add this line....AP gets all the discredit)

Police say a man dressed as Santa Claus has robbed a Rhode Island yacht club. A bartender was alone in the East Providence Yacht Club Sunday night when a large man wearing a red suit, red hat, white beard and carrying a sack walked into the bar and brandished a gun.

The bartender fled and ran to a nearby business where she called 911. By the time police arrived, the Santa bandit - as well as an undetermined amount of cash from the register - was missing.

No arrests have been made.

I just love that last line. I am sure it is there to assure all the kiddies out there that Santa will still show up on Christmas eve and that he isn't waiting in the poky for the elves to bail him out.

Part of me wants to dispel this story as something AP made up just to use the "Ho ho hold-up" line and here's why....The bar at a yacht club is empty except for the bartender. I mean really. This is about as believable as the tooth fairy, Sasquatch and, well, Santa Claus. You've all heard the term "drinks like a sailor". No yacht club bar would ever be empty.

Now, then again, maybe this bartender is the guilty party. A fictitious character shows up (mind you a fictitious character renown for giving gifts and being friendly to all); pulls out a gun (jolly old St. Nick with a gun?); and steals cash? No one else is around to see? Soooo, who do you think the police should be looking for? The gun toting Santa (antithesis of what the REAL Santa is supposed to be) OR barely eking out a living bartender tired of ogles, stares and pinches from drunken yachtsmen. Hmmmm.

Regardless of who the actual guilty party is, I am sure once the East Providence police heard the bartender's story, they looked at one another and said (all together now) "What the Hell?"

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On another note. I just got back from my annual check up at the doctor (no...not the full on glove treatment kind, just the let's chat and take your blood kind) and as I was waiting to have my blood drawn, I noticed the nurse looking at a small bottle. What got my attention was the label on the bottle. It looked like an airline size booze bottle with peaches on the label.

I asked the nurse what was in the bottle, to which she replied, "A urine sample. Strangest thing I've ever seen a sample come in." I promptly burst out laughing. Some idiot peed in this tiny booze bottle (can you imagine the mess that would make - the opening on those bottles are minuscule) that is probably unsanitized so he or she could try to pass a UA.

Can't you just hear it? "I'm sorry, sir (or madam) but you failed your urine analysis. It was quite high in alcohol content. Perhaps next time you night consider giving it to us in something different than a peach schnapps bottle."

People amaze me.

Brain Worm - Sunday 160

The Worm was everywhere.
He loved this time of year.
In stores.
In the car.
Even on television.
He left his merry tune.
“Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”, he said.
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For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160)
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.
____________________

There are certain songs that are just plain evil we love to hear at this time of year. Hear just a word or two and the song gets stuck in your mind for what seems like, well, forever.The blessed Burl Ives' "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" does that to me....it creeps sickeningly into my head sticks....and since this is a time of year to be generous, I thought I should share. So I give this gift to each and every one of you. Enjoy and have a great week before Christmas.

Frozebud - 55

Early cold can strike at the heart
leaving life alone
to never know the beauty
of being in full bloom.
Rather to prune frozen feelings
of a life left unfulfilled
than to allow the rot
of the past
to prevent a healthy start
in Spring’s new beginnings.

Winters will pass.

New blooms will be revealed.
_________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.
For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

Or if you want yet another challenge

write a Sunday 160.

Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

___________________

I promise I will read your 160 and post a comment.

I will admit I'm lazy Sunday mornings lazy, so please be patient

What The Hell Wednesday - The Naked Truth

Welcome back to What The Hell Wednesday where we strip stories down and analyze the possibilities behind the published reports. I must admit I was torn today because there were several stories that were just too good to pass up. I skipped the story of the woman who beat her husband for bringing home cold take out and figured it would be more fun to flesh out the following two stories. That's right I was too wishy washy to pick just one.

Security Camera Snaps Man in Cemetery

PICAYUNE, Mississippi - A man caught naked in a church cemetery says he was trying to take photographs of spirits. Robert Hurst told The Picayune Item that he removed his clothes because he believes skin is the best canvas to show spirits' orbs of energy.

The 47-year-old said he only intended to remove his shirt, but he took off all his clothes - a move he now calls "stupid."

Authorities had set up a motion-activated camera to try to catch vandals. The chief deputy in Pearl River County said Hurst was not accused of vandalism, but the camera caught an unexpected image of Hurst naked and landed him a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure.

Postal Employee Arrested for Delivering Mail Naked

WHITEFISH BAY, Wis. - A Wisconsin postal carrier says he simply wanted to cheer up a woman who seemed "stressed out" when he decided to deliver mail in the buff. But upon further review, the worker told police that delivering mail while completely naked probably wasn't a good idea.

A police report says the 52-year-old man told the woman he would deliver the mail in the nude to her office in Whitefish Bay to make her laugh. The report says that on Dec. 4 he brought the mail wearing only a smile.

The mail carrier was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior several days later. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel says the man admitted delivering the mail naked was a stupid thing to do.

Well how about that! Both of these guys admit their actions were a stupid thing to do. How mature. Is there hope here that either one has a brain in his head? I doubt it. So let's dress these stories down one item at a time, starting with - Naked Cemetery Guy.

First off, don't you think this guy spends a bit too much time watching Ghost Adventures or Ghost Hunters of one of those other 'searching for afterlife' shows? I mean really. I have my beliefs and have even posted about a personal experience. But I didn't get naked. Do ghosts really get all turned on by the "canvas" of a naked body? I don't think so. I think what we have here is a nut job that likes to get naked in cemeteries....plain and simple.

As to Naked USPS Dude - Yeah, that's what brings most women out of a funk....seeing their mailman stripped to the bone. Ack! That doesn't sound right and now I have an even worse picture of the incident in my brain...GET IT OUT!

This brings a whole new definition to the term "delivering a package". Oh, yes. It's bad pun time. We can have some fun with this one. The mail carrier is now the butt of all jokes down at the post office and everyone knows what he has in his mail bag.

We all know for certain that the people who viewed the cemetery video and the poor woman who was in need of a smile did a double take and said, "What the Hell?"

One Shot - Still Waters

Silhouetted by the dampened glare of street lights,
the beautifully curved form glanced skyward
trying to find romance in stars
lost to the impenetrable gray
of late night clouds.
Her long graceful fingers
slowly sliding over her slender waist
and round hips
as if imagining her hands
as those of a longed for lover.
Wetness dripped tears of rain
down the window before her,
matching the mascara tinted dew
falling from her lashes.
She hoped the rain
would wash away the gloom
and once again flood her heart
with the love of another.
She felt deserving
and knew desire.
But wanted a real
and tender love
tinged with passion
yet full of understanding.
It was there for her
if she had patience.
If she could wade through
the shallow puddles of a man
and find the depth of soul
to match the soul she carried within.
The silhouette slipped on her rain boots
and walked out into heaven’s tears
in search of puddles to splash
and deep waters from which to drink.
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Follow this link for more One Shot Wednesday poems.
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Sunday 160 - A Cymbal of Excellence

Percussion was his love and strength.
His dream was to entertain in public all the time.
He practiced for hours and hours
until he made his unforgettable debut.



_____________________

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160)
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.
____________________

Friday 55 with a twist

Hey all!

This week I am participating not only in Mr. Knowitall's Flash Fiction Friday 55, but am also linking to Ghost Hunting Theories first annual Blogger Zombie Walk.

So here is my 55 word entry for the Zombie Walk. It allows me to feed my addiction to G-Man's 55 and to fulfill a promise to GHT. Besides....it's fun and isn't that what this is all about?

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A muffled shuffling sound came down the chimney flue

as the excited children gathered around the hearth.

Their eyes and hearts filled with anticipation

as sooty dust drifted out toward them.

First one black boot, then another.

Followed by a red and white suited figure.

The children screamed

as the ashen faced creature mumbled

“Brains!”

For more Flash Fiction 55's Visit Mr. Knowitall.

For more Zombie Walk offerings check out these participating blogs: Ghost Hunting Theories; Gnostalgia; The Caffeinated Zombie; Improbable Frontiers; Anything Horror; Above-The-Norm: Bizarre Arizona; The Digital Looking Glass; Strange State; Hayes Hudson’s House of Horror; Echoes In the Abyss; Not Worth Mentioning; The Misadventures of HalloweeNut; Haunt Jaunts; Holly's Horrorland; and LeoGodin.

What The Hell Wednesday - Blind drunk, that is

Welcome back to What The Hell Wednesday where we bring you an enlightened and light hearted look at life on the seamy side. This week we take a look at the ultimate in drunkenness. This dude is a doozy.

Man Who Says He Is Blind Arrested for DUI

BARTLESVILLE, Oklahoma -- A 41-year-old Bartlesville man being arraigned for DUI, leaving the scene of an accident, driving under suspension and assault on a police officer was re-arrested for reportedly being drunk after he fell down before the judge.

A short time later, Mark Watson failed a breathalyzer test administered by sheriff's deputies.

The initial charges stemmed from Watson's arrest early Monday morning after he had reportedly been involved in a hit and run crash in Bartlesville.

Bartlesville Police investigating the 2:28 a.m. crash found Watson's vehicle and questioned him.

In the probable cause affidavit filed with the court, Watson told officers, "I'm #*$%ing drunk, I was driving but I did not run the stop sign. That a##%& hit me."

The affidavit goes on to say Watson refused to take a blood or breath test, telling the officers, "I ain't taking no *#$%ing tests. I'm *#$%ing drunk. I'm blind anyways and I can't drive."

Police say he also kicked an officer during the arrest.

This is so much fun. Don't you love that long list of charges? What an effing idiot. At the first arrest he never denies being drunk but tries to place the blame on the other driver....as in "I wouldn't have been caught if it weren't for that a**hole." Then goes on in an attempt to lie his way out of even being at the scene. "I can't drive. I'm blind." Blind drunk, maybe. Blind to your own stupidity for certain. Finally, to make darn sure they know he is serious about his idiocy, he kicks the officer. Apparently, he isn't so blind that he can't locate a shin.

But wait! He also shows up before the judge drunk!!! Way to go buddy. I am sure he just wanted to hear the judge repeat that famous Dean Wormer quote from Animal House: "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Another story I read about this case had Watson seated in the jury box waiting his trial, falling over and hitting his head. Bwahahahaha. This is the stuff of great slapstick comedy. Dude proceeded to fail a field sobriety test right there in court.

There is no doubt in my mind after hearing the hollow "Thonk" sound of Watson's head hitting the wood jury box, the judge said "What the Hell?"

One Shot - Hidden Hurt

Reflecting a radiant exterior,
younger than the years they had seen,
strong enough to be called upon
to twist, turn and grip
where others had failed.
But beneath the healthy appearance
lay constant pain.
Only small scars
and imperceptible deformities
reveal historic hints of tiredness.
Gnarled knuckles
nor disfigured digits
announce troubles within.
The hands appear with the same outward smile
borne on the face of their owner.

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Follow this link for more One Shot Wednesday poems.
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