Saturday, November 8, 2008

Dark Places

When I was a child I was afraid of the dark. Not the quaking afraid to play outside kind of afraid of the dark but the "when the lights went out in the basement I needed to run up the stairs or the wolves would get me" kind of afraid of the dark. I would also pull the covers over my head and have a hole just big enough to see through and to let in a bit of cool air. I imagined, like most kids that age, things that would go bump in the dark, come out of closets and eat you.

Today that fear of the dark is long gone. I pride myself on my ability to navigate my house in total darkness without stubbing a toe or breaking my nose on a wall. Instead of the physical darkness, I would say my fears today are the dark places my mind can go. We all have issues that conjure negative thoughts and can make us feel insecure or paranoid.

Recently, I have experienced that dark place in my head too many times. My dark place has been triggered by trust issues and put me in a position where I am pushing away those I love instead of embracing, trusting and loving the way a good father and husband would do. There is much work to be done here and it starts with my ability to speak up and express my insecurity instead of letting it overtake me.

I am very fortunate to have people who care about me and are willing to work with me through my issues. Sometimes I don't feel very deserving, but once again that is my head going to dark places. I need to live in the moment, count my blessings and seek that which makes me happy as opposed to that which makes me want to end my ride on this revolving ball of mud and water.

Buddha says: All that we are is a result of what we have thought. This I need to carry with me going forward in order to bring light to the dark and escape forever the doubt, insecurity and paranoia dark places can bring.