Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What The Hell Wednesday - Santa's Got A Gun

Somehow I just knew the seamy underbelly of America would come through at Christmas time with an appropriate Holiday story. So I proudly present to you the following as compiled by our dear friends at the Associated Press. Do they still have jobs?

'Santa Claus' robs Rhode Island yacht club bar

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Call it a ho-ho-holdup. (no I didn't add this line....AP gets all the discredit)

Police say a man dressed as Santa Claus has robbed a Rhode Island yacht club. A bartender was alone in the East Providence Yacht Club Sunday night when a large man wearing a red suit, red hat, white beard and carrying a sack walked into the bar and brandished a gun.

The bartender fled and ran to a nearby business where she called 911. By the time police arrived, the Santa bandit - as well as an undetermined amount of cash from the register - was missing.

No arrests have been made.

I just love that last line. I am sure it is there to assure all the kiddies out there that Santa will still show up on Christmas eve and that he isn't waiting in the poky for the elves to bail him out.

Part of me wants to dispel this story as something AP made up just to use the "Ho ho hold-up" line and here's why....The bar at a yacht club is empty except for the bartender. I mean really. This is about as believable as the tooth fairy, Sasquatch and, well, Santa Claus. You've all heard the term "drinks like a sailor". No yacht club bar would ever be empty.

Now, then again, maybe this bartender is the guilty party. A fictitious character shows up (mind you a fictitious character renown for giving gifts and being friendly to all); pulls out a gun (jolly old St. Nick with a gun?); and steals cash? No one else is around to see? Soooo, who do you think the police should be looking for? The gun toting Santa (antithesis of what the REAL Santa is supposed to be) OR barely eking out a living bartender tired of ogles, stares and pinches from drunken yachtsmen. Hmmmm.

Regardless of who the actual guilty party is, I am sure once the East Providence police heard the bartender's story, they looked at one another and said (all together now) "What the Hell?"


On another note. I just got back from my annual check up at the doctor (no...not the full on glove treatment kind, just the let's chat and take your blood kind) and as I was waiting to have my blood drawn, I noticed the nurse looking at a small bottle. What got my attention was the label on the bottle. It looked like an airline size booze bottle with peaches on the label.

I asked the nurse what was in the bottle, to which she replied, "A urine sample. Strangest thing I've ever seen a sample come in." I promptly burst out laughing. Some idiot peed in this tiny booze bottle (can you imagine the mess that would make - the opening on those bottles are minuscule) that is probably unsanitized so he or she could try to pass a UA.

Can't you just hear it? "I'm sorry, sir (or madam) but you failed your urine analysis. It was quite high in alcohol content. Perhaps next time you night consider giving it to us in something different than a peach schnapps bottle."

People amaze me.


Tabor said...

You cannot make this stuff least I don't think you do! ;-)

hedgewitch said...

Obviously, this was the Socialist Santa, out to redistribute some holiday wealth. This is all part of the nefarious elite War on Christmas--a bearded radical in a RED SUIT!!! <-hint: Commies are REDS!!! Holds up a YACHT CLUB!!! <-full of average all American millionaire Yacht owners! OMGZ! teh Socialism!!

Okay--sorry, I'm still laughing from the peach schnapps remark, don't mind me....

Julie Ferguson said...

I don't even want to know how she peed in that tiny bottle, lol. I am also sorry to hear that even Santa is having it rough during these bad economical times. Hopefully he won't have to sell Dasher, Dancer and Vixen on eBay to make ends meet.

Fay Campbell said...

I never trusted that guy!

KB said...

What a prince.

Rosaria Williams said...

Be careful out there! Some people will go to all ends to get what they want.

Stay dry, if you can. Hope though that a smidgen of snow falls on your lovely city for Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Brian Miller said...

can not begin to imagine what that sample is going to come back like...and dressing up like santa to rob a bank is just wrong...

the walking man said...

What you think those elves work for free? They may have had their union busted and given 40% back in wages and all of their benefits but the old guy has to pay them somehow. It's not like he is Wal-Mart ya know.

Maybe, just maybe that bottle was the right size for the appendage emptying into it?

Bubba said...

Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-BANG!

Bubba said...


I recently had to see my doctor for the 'other kind' of annual check up - and I'm not talking mean changing the oil, filter and rotating the tires!

PattiKen said...

Geez. Well, you know, times are tough everywhere, even the North Pole, I guess.

Love the peach schnaps story. Hee hee.

Tina said...

LMAO, You truly couldn't make this shit up. Thanks for another wonderful installment.

Linda Bob Grifins Korbetis Hall said...

Hope you well, season's greetings!

Awards 4 U, Merry Christmas, Thanks 4 Being My Friend!


Awards 4 U, Stay Blessed

Marla said...

Peeing in a booze bottle? Wish I had thought of that when I was in the hospital.

You are right about this being a fake story. I have family in Newport, Rhode Island. An empty bar anywhere in the state is completely fictitious.