What The Hell Wednesday - Little Old Lady My Ass

A number of What The Hell Wednesdays have featured heroes who have thwarted crimes. I love those and wish I could find more, but they just don't show up as frequently as just plain old activities by the criminally stupid which is a redundancy. 

59 Year Old Woman Chases Down Purse Snatcher

LONGVIEW, Wash.  - A 59-year-old woman chased down a purse snatcher who was fleeing on a bicycle in Longview pulled him to the ground and grabbed back her purse.

Two witnesses detained the man until officers arrived.

According to court documents filed this week, the theft took place in a Safeway parking lot last Friday. The woman chased the bicyclist about 15 feet.

The purse contained $62 and five credit cards.

A Cowlitz County Superior Court judge found probable cause to charge 29-year-old Mark Grendahl Jr. of Longview with five counts of second-degree theft. He was held Wednesday evening in the Cowlitz County Jail on $25,000 bail.

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I am thinking the purse snatcher should have learned how to ride a bike before he decided to use it as a getaway vehicle. What was this guy....12....I know...I know, I read it....he was 29.....going on 12. But caught after going only 15 feet??? That's hardly the length of an SUV. 

I don't like that the article makes 59 sound old. I know some 59-year-olds who are in better shape than 29-year-olds, not to mention a ton smarter. Smart enough to know they can outrun a klutz trying to hop on a bike and try to speed away. 

Hey, Mark! How did it feel when that 59-year-old knocked you off your bike? You like road rash? Bet you weren't wearing a helmet either. Leave some scalp on the parking lot? I hope the police used the old kind of Bactine that really stung when you put it on as they cleaned up his scrapes and scratches.

So, cheers to you - 59-year-old woman - for kicking ass and taking names. You are my new hero until the next one comes up on line.

I can just see Mark's surprised face as he looked up from under his bike and saw he just got taken down by a woman old enough to be his mom. I will also bet you he said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Pie to the Tenth Power

None could bake pumpkin pie 

the way she could. 

Rich, yet light. 

His mouth watered 

at the thought of it 

sliding down his throat 

like God dressed in silk pajamas.

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If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

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55 - Burdened

Struggling to get a full grip with his situation, 

he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

Gasping for air under the extreme crush, 

he was panicked over the constraint. 

How would he extract himself from this situation? 

Then he heard, 

“Get off your father’s back, you two. 

You know he gets claustrophobic.”

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This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun. 

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.
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Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

What The Hell Wednesday - An Axe to Grind

Here is a post-Halloween tidbit I just couldn't resist. Yes, I know it's the week before Thanksgiving, but I can't post these stories before they are printed....if you know what I mean.

Man Arrested Over Costume Axe

AKRON, Ohio  - An Ohio man who carried a rubber prop ax into a bar before Halloween is trying to get prosecutors to dismiss an inducing panic charge.

The Akron Beacon Journal reports that 42-year-old Bill Morrison is a Halloween enthusiast who has long worked on seasonal haunted house attractions. He told Akron police he went to Corky's Thomastown bar on Oct. 16 to sell a friend the costume ax, which had red paint to make it appear bloody.

A woman who saw Morrison with the ax under his coat called 911 and said he looked suspicious.

Morrison was jailed overnight before being released on bond.

His attorney, Ed Sawan, says the charges appear to be unfounded. Akron City Prosecutor Doug Powley indicates his office is still studying the case.

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I know, this dates waaaaay back to October 16, but really, the story didn't appear on my favorite web source until today, November 22. For you readers outside the good old USofA that's my favourite web source. But enough about the somewhat tardy appearance of this article, let's talk about it.

First, I think that is an awesome Halloween axe and I wish I had one. Second, what is Bill Morrison doing hiding it under his coat? If this were his regular bar, you'd think he would come in all angry like brandishing the axe over his head screaming like a wild man asking where his buddy was. But not knowing anything about this bar, maybe Bill thought if he did that he would get shot. Ya never know.

So, he slides into the bar all coy-like with a fake axe hidden under his coat and freaks some half drunk idiot out of her bloomers. She calls 9-1-1 and poor Bill is arrested for nearly in-sighting a riot, er, I mean....inducing panic. Inducing panic? Shee-it. I think the woman who called 9-1-1 would be induced to panic if someone walked up behind her and said "Hi!"

Okay, Bill is arrested. His buddy doesn't get the axe he wanted as a Halloween prop and the police get to pose for pictures. Isn't that a cool axe? Did I say I want one? Meanwhile nosy 9-1-1 lady drives off in a drunken stupor to buzz kill someone else's fun. We will probably read about her in a later post after she blows the whistle on someone who isn't as nice as Bill and meets an untimely end with an axe that isn't fake.

For sure, as Bill was belly up to the bar, axe in hand, slugging back a few, he was caught by surprise by the Akron police and, as they cuffed him and shove him and his cool axe into the squad car, said "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Little Girl Lost

Alarms kept her in a state of constant alert. 

Uncertainty crushed thoughts 

of potential adventures. 

What ifs ruled the day. 

It was sad how anxiety ran her life.

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If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - It's History

His hand nervously hovered over the button. 

He had been waiting 

for someone else to make the final call, 

not wanting to be responsible 

for what would be an historic event 

that would affect millions of lives. 

As the clocked ticked down, 

the button was pushed. 

History forever linked him to - 

The Heidi Game.

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On this date in history, Dick Cline, an NBC programmer hit the button that switched from the November 17, 1968 okay this is Thursday’s date and this is a Flash Fiction Friday but I’m going with it Oakland Raiders versus New York Jets football game to the movie Heidi. With only 65 seconds left in the game, the Jets kicked a field goal to give them a 32-29 lead. After commercial break, the network went to their originally scheduled 7:00 PM airing of the movie Heidi. What fans across America missed after that was two touchdowns by the Oakland Raiders in a span of nine seconds. So many irate fans called NBC after game results were flashed on the screen 20 minutes later, that their switchboard yes, switchboard…this was 1968, remember! literally blew a fuse. Even emergency lines were clogged for hours and you thought Katrina was a disaster. Final score Raiders - 43 Jets - 29 NBC - 0.

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This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun. 

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Soy Suit

There is nothing like reading about the incarcerated complaining about their conditions. Let alone suing over them. Check out this story about an "entitled" prisoner.

Prisoner Sues over Soy Meals

CLERMONT, Fla. – A Florida inmate is suing the state’s prison system for pulling the pork from his meals.

Eric Harris, a 32-year-old convicted pedophile who is serving a life sentence, suggests Lake Correctional Institution’s policy of serving a vegan diet is seriously affecting the quality of his life sentence.

The Weston A. Price Foundation, a special interest group against soy products, will pick up the case’s legal expenses, and announced it has class-action ambitions including other prisoners, prison guards and taxpayers.

The foundation began receiving complaints from Florida prisoners in 2009, when cooks replaced 60-70 percent of meat in meals with soy substitutes. They claimed to suffer from a myriad of health problems, including chronic constipation followed with debilitating diarrhea and vomiting, passing out, heart palpitations, and rashes.

Harris said it’s cruel and unusual punishment.

Joellen Rackleff, a Department of Corrections spokeswoman, said meals are half soy and half poultry. Serving all meat means the $47 million food budget would double.

Currently, Florida feeds inmates three meals per day for $1.70 per inmate. Rackleff said the department should be mindful of taxpayers who pick up prisoners’ bills when making their meals and offers alternatives to soy.

U.S. courts have said in the past that prisons have to serve nutritious meals, not pretty ones or those that comply with a prisoner’s idea of home cooking.

Rackleff said meals meet those standards and comply with federal nutrition guidelines.

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Every time I read one of these stories there is always one thing that just leaps off the page at me. With this story, it is the idea that a pedophile is complaining about the quality of his life sentence. Hello! You're a pedophile! You're lucky someone hasn't killed you already....sicko. They should just let you starve. Stop complaining about the food. You have sentenced kids to lives of therapy. 

On top of this sick f@%k complaining about his food, we have a foundation coming to his aid. A Foundation. Do they know who they are supporting??

The Weston A. Price Foundation states on its web site "They're happy because they eat butter" and "Cod Liver Oil: Our most important superfood". No strange issues there. Apparently, the foundation and the child molester agree on one thing - eating soy is cruel and unusual punishment. So be it! Is prison supposed to be a vacation?

You really have to hand it to Florida though, feeding an inmate three squares a day on only a buck seventy. All in the interest of being responsible to its tax payers. Go Florida. Have they ever thought that it was the mystery meat and not the soy causing all the physical symptoms? Eat your swill and be happy, inmates. Jeez.

The judge who read the suit pedo-filed by the inmate, surely shook his head in disgust and said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Confined

In the dark, damp space 

he struggled 

as he twisted his body 

into the only position 

he felt would give him 

any sort of leverage. 

He hated working under the sink.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - It's all in the name

“You know, I remember the good old days when you could go to the store and buy prunes. I loved the taste of prunes and all their leathery goodness. I miss them. What ever happened to prunes?”

“Prunes. All you ever talk about is prunes. Why don’t you shut up and eat your dried plums.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun. 

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Coping With Teaching

As I read through potential candidates for What The Hell Wednesday, it is the headlines that draw me into stories. And when I see the words "School" and "DUI" in the same headline....I know I have a winner.

Teacher Arrested for DUI in School Parking Lot

A Lee County teacher is accused of driving under the influence and deputies say she crashed into another car in her school's parking lot.

Deputies say on Thursday morning, the Dunbar Middle School, school resource officer called to report a minor crash that happened in the parking lot.

The crash involved teacher Christine Murgueytio's white Kia and another parked car.

The SRO told deputies that Murgueytio might have been impaired because an eyewitness had said that she was stumbling and that her speech was "thick tongued."

When deputies arrived and spoke the teacher, she was asked if she had been drinking or taking any drugs.

According to the arrest report, she replied that she had only taken one Ambien Wednesday night.

When asked to take a field sobriety test, she agreed but asked to do so in the back of the parking lot so that her coworkers and students would not see it happening.

Based on the results of those tests, she was placed in custody and asked to give a breath sample.

And as the deputy was gathering her things from her car, according to the arrest report, he found two beer cans in her lunch box next to some uneaten plums.

Murgueytio also agreed to give a urine sample, which was then placed into evidence.

She was then taken to the Lee County Jail, but has since been released on bond.

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At first glance, you might think this teacher is drunk first thing in the morning because she  has to deal with junior high kids. But in reality, it's because she drives a Kia. I mean, really! Who wouldn't start chugging beers on the way to work if you had to be seen in a Kia. Isn't that just nothing more than an imitation Honda? Or Toyota?

Or maybe she drinks because she has an unpronounceable name that she has to spell all the time.

Regardless, if she'd eaten the plums no one would have noticed. For sure she would have then been more regular. Oh.....that's prunes? I mean, dried plums? I know they no longer like to market them as prunes.

But she didn't eat the plums and they did notice. No doubt because she was playing bumper cars in the parking lot and staggering around looking for more beer checking out the damage. Then she tries to blame her "thick tongued" speech on an Ambien she had taken. Who knew Ambien smelled like beer?

At least they had the decency to take her out by the school's smoking section to make her do the field sobriety test so the kids couldn't see. Wouldn't want to scare those innocent, impressionable little minds now would we. But that didn't stop the cops from tossing her in the back seat of a squad car and carting her off to jail.

Even as the kids were cheering from their classes, teachers were pondering "What the Hell?"