Naughty or Nice - 55

The young street walker

stood over the small bearded man.

Gritting her teeth in anger,

she dropped the smoking gun

that had been firmly grasped in her right hand.

She stumbled back in horror at the sight and screamed

“Everything would have worked out fine

if you had just stopped calling me ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’“.
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This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.
For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

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What The Hell Wednesday - Fat, but not so jolly

Apparently, it was a hugely disappointing holiday shopping day for two women in Edmond, Oklahoma. While expecting an enormous haul for their holidays, they ended up with a big fat nothing....expect for the marks on their police records.

Face it. You just can't pass on a story with a headline that reads.....

Women accused of hiding merchandise in body fat

EDMOND, OK -- Two women arrested for shoplifting used their bodies to conceal the goods. Edmond police say it was at the TJ Maxx that loss prevention officers found the duo stuffing items under their belly fat and breasts.

It was said the women took four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves; $2,600 worth of store merchandise.

Ailene Brown, 28, and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas were arrested for shoplifting and are facing felony charges.

Officer James Hamm said, "These two were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was, under their chest area and armpits."

They also had a knife hidden in a purse that they used to cut off store security tags.

Now I wish I could remove my brain and scrub the image this story created right out of my mind. As I read this, I was constantly stopping to swallow the vomit that formed at the back of my throat and mumbling - Ewwwww. Lifting the fat under their armpits??? Bellies??? And Boobs??? ARMPITS!!!! Just how fat are these two? And who let them out of the freak show at Ringling Bros to go shopping? Oh, God! Now the who thing is replaying in my mind again. Aaaaaaa....help me.

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, let's review the facts. The first thing that strikes me is that they actually carry a purse (or purses). Then again, maybe they needed the purses in order to clear out space for all the stuff they planned to pilfer in their fat rolls.

The second is the shear volume of stolen merchandis: FOUR pairs of boots; THREE pairs of jeans (can you imagine the size of those jeans?); and a wallet and gloves. Why bother with the wallet and gloves? Maybe that's where the armpit folds came into play. Urrrp. Sorry, I threw up into my mouth again.

Last, can you picture the looks on the loss prevention officers' faces as they searched for the shoplifted loot? I am sure as they gagged back the up-chuck bubbling from their stomachs, one of them blurted out "What the Hell?"

One Shot - Stone Man

No super human feat this

turning man into stone.

Simple comments garbled by hardened hearing

cause an avalanche of negative emotion.

Withdrawn to the cave for companionship

of the familiar singularity,

Stone Man builds his walls.

Rock by rock.

Mortar filled.

He surrounds himself with ignorance

and self deception.

Jaw tightly shut as a concrete barrier

no words can escape to help soften Stone Man's

prison of hard headedness.

A touch.
Kind words.
Knock at the walls

and the rock exterior.
Cracks begin.
Rocks shatter to dust.
Stone Man emerges - human.
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What a tangled Sunday 160

Neatly packed and stored eleven months ago,
they somehow emerge a tangled mess.
What exactly is it Christmas lights do
in those boxes from December to November?
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For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
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What The Hell Wednesday - This Stinks

When it comes to the unusual, I just can't resist, and this theft doesn't just teeter on the unusual, it jumps right off bizarre bluffs. I mean, if you're gonna steal....make it worth while. Or make it worth me having a great time making fun of your stupidity. So as read in the Athens Banner-Herald.

Store has second deodorant theft in a week

Police in Georgia said a man attempted to steal several deodorant sticks from a pharmacy that was struck by a similar crime a week earlier.

Athens-Clarke County police said the man was caught on a security camera fleeing the store Friday with nine sticks of deodorant in four varieties stuffed into his cargo pants.

Police said the incident took place exactly one week after employees stopped a woman from stealing 12 deodorant sticks from the shelves.

Police were searching for the latest thief.

OKAY then. Stealing deodorant. If he needed it that badly, I am sure bloodhounds would have no problem following his trail. But then again, maybe it's not him with the odor issue. Maybe it's his family and he is just tired of having to put up with the smell. But nine sticks? That's either a very big family or a very big smell.

Apparently each family member has discerning tastes in deodorant - nine sticks in four varieties. This must have made for interesting conversation once the thief returned home.

Thief: "Alright, everbuddy, I went and picked up yer deodorant. Now maybe you kin stop stinkin' so much. Billy Bob, I got yer Old Spice stick right cheer and I is sure it will make you all muscly like the feller on them commercials. Daisy May, my sweet little flower, now you kin stop smellin' like them pigs. I got ya Dove 'cause I know how you likes to eat them little critters. An' Ma, I got that there Right Guard fer ya, since yer built like a guard. The rest of ya's kin just fight over what's left."

Okay, I know what you're saying "But Monkey Man, the thief is from Georgia and you have him talking like some Kentucky Hillbilly." Yes, that's right I do. I guess it's just easier for me to type "Jethro" than "Nascar". So tough knobs if you don't like it.

Oh, one more thing - This was the second deodorant theft in a week!?! Do you think they might be related? Or was there just a bit of a warm spell in that area over the past couple of weeks that had folks sweating up a storm?

At any rate, can't you just see the puzzled looks on the security guys as they watched this doofus jam deodorant into his pockets, glanced over at each other and said "What the Hell?"

Rounded Corners Do Not Make A Square

Fitted sheet,
Oh, fitted sheet
On how to fold you
I admit defeat.
I tuck and turn until I am blue
but I just cannot make a rectangle of you.

Why can’t you be like your king size cousin,
the perfect shape I can fold by the dozen.

Fitted sheet,
Oh fitted sheet.
Around my mattress you are so snug.
But when it comes to folding you
I feel I am on a drug.

Your corners they are so misnamed
and it is on them
the horrible folding is blamed.

In the closet I will put you away,
a wadded mess is how you will stay.
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Inspiration can come in the oddest forms. In this case, it is the obvious frustration that overcame me as I was folding laundry. Yes, I do domestic chores. I like things tidy, even in a closet. So every time it comes to folding fitted sheets I wrestle and pull and tug and fold and scream - which scares the dog - then stuff the wad into the linen closet. Should I farm this out? Can they be folded.....properly? Am I doomed to fitted sheet frustration forever?

Life is full of questions. I hope all of yours are answered.

Fly Agaric - Sunday 160

Intense rain seeping deeply into soil,

feeding creatures long left dormant.

Rising larger than life

from the spongy earth,

giving way to beauty unseen for ages.
____________________

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
____________________

Tribute to Galen - 55

Ever so meticulous in his work,

his mind focused on the tiniest details.

Working sinew, bone and flesh

until he knew all of mankind

would benefit from his loving labors.

An original.

The leader in his field.

Neither gaping sword wound

nor lion claw laceration

could deter him from his duties.

Galen: Father of Anatomy.

_________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.
For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

Or if you want yet another challenge write a Sunday 160.

Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

What The Hell Wednesday - He'd Stand Out In a Crowd

This week's What the Hell Wednesday offers up an excerpt from the Boston Globe making fun of a report from Harvard University. I guess when you are consistently referred to as one of the most prestigious universities in the United States, you may be scrutinized. So check this out.

Harvard puts out warning after robbery - Ooops!

Harvard University officials are warning students, faculty, and staff to be vigilant and take precautions, after an armed robbery early Thursday in historic Harvard Yard.

A male unaffiliated with the university was robbed at gunpoint by an unknown male as he walked through the yard near Thayer Hall, a freshman dormitory, about 2:45 a.m. Thursday, an advisory posted on the university police department’s website said.

The robber was described as a Hispanic man in his 20s, 55 feet 9 inches tall with a thin build, facial hair, and dark clothing, including a black baseball hat.

Well now. This fella shouldn't be too hard to find. Perhaps he is the long lost son of the 50' Woman. For those of you born after 1958, and there are many of you, check out this trailer.



If nothing else, you would think the guy wouldn't have to stoop (groan) to petty thievery and would be a sure thing on the Harvard basketball team. Assuming he could fit inside the gym.

Of course, there is always the chance the description was in error. But this is Harvard! They are too smart to make mistakes....riiiight!?! In any case, if it were a typo, I am sure they will have no trouble identifying the suspect - Hispanic, 5'9", facial hair...very unusual look for someone of Hispanic descent.

Regardless, if you ran into this guy near Thayer Hall on the Harvard campus, you would look up and up and up and say "What the Hell?"

Winter Warnings - A One Shot

A soft focus enveloped the city
with the illusion of a gel covered lens.
A smoky shroud obscured structures,
leaving the tallest of lights hanging
as misty glowing orbs in the sky.
The cold steam released a shiver
to penetrate
even the most heavily bundled.
It was at once
a beautiful mystery to behold
and an ominous warning
of harsher days ahead.
While the distorted radiance
of a rainbow of lights
cast no shadow,
it was still an announcement
of winter’s looming imminence.
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