What The Hell Wednesday - Lame Excuses

I just love it when I find a story that is short, entertaining and to the point. The following is exactly that. As I read these five simple sentences, the movie of the mind started rolling and I couldn't wait to start filling in a few blanks. You'll understand as you read along.

Sobriety Test Reveals More Than "Bad Foot"

DESTIN — A 55-year-old man was arrested May 31 for carrying a concealed weapon.

Louis Cruz was pulled over when a deputy saw the man driving erratically. After he was pulled over, Cruz said his truck had a flat tire, which caused his truck to swerve, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s report.

When the deputy performed sobriety tests, Cruz leaned down and showed the deputy his “bad foot” and accidentally revealed his ankle holster.

After Cruz was arrested, he said he did not have a weapon permit.

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'Scuze me, I am still laughing so hard over Louis Cruz' brain power that I am having a hard time typing. I had to ask myself, did Louis get confused between flat tire and flat feet?  How can one forget they are wearing an ankle holster? And where in the heck is Okaloosa? Why would someone want to name a county after a combination of the tornado state and a city that was the butt of a Marx Brothers joke?

So, Louis Excuse, er, I mean, Cruz stumbles out of his truck, give the police some lame excuse about a flat tire causing his erratic driving then blames his failure to - a) walk a straight line, b) stand on one leg or c) remember he is carrying a concealed weapon - on his "bad foot". 

Come on Louis! Couldn't you point to the leg without the ankle holster and blame that "bad foot" on your problem? Hmmmm. Mind a bit fogged, Louis? Not that you were drunk. Noooo. It was a flat tire and a "bad foot" not drugs or alcohol that caused your problems. Always an excuse, eh, Loser, I mean, Louis.  

What kind of surprises me, though, is that Louis wasn't arrested for DUII, but for carrying a concealed weapon with no permit. Who needs the whole drunk driving thing when you've got bigger laws to take him in for breaking.

Can't you just see the expression on the officer's face when Louis raises his pants leg to point out his "bad foot" I just love writing that in quotes and low and behold Officer Okaloosa sees hidden fire arms and says "What the Hell?" 

Sunday 160 - Into Thin Air

Wispy clouds 

tried with all their might 

to form dragons 

and dogs 

and angels 

but the sun 

melted them into nothingness. 

Leaving the sky 

a singular pallet of blue.

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If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

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55 - St. John's Eve

The floor was alive with writhing serpentine bodies 

as the Queen stepped up to her altar 

and began her dance of worship. 

Followers ceremoniously 

knocked three times 

on the portrait of St. John 

and waited for the Queen’s signal. 

Yes, it was St. John’s Eve, 

but all this ritual just to order a Voodoo Doughnut?

June 24 is the religious celebration of St. John's nativity. An event created in the seventh century by Christendom in an effort to place a Christian brand on the pagan summer solstice celebration. All a part of that era's Christian plan to convert as many pagans as possible. Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau began a tradition of practicing voodoo rituals on St. John's Eve. A tradition that continues today in New Orleans.

Oh my God....I just gave historical background on a 55. I may have read one too many posts by the G-Man himself. For shame.

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This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun. 

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Facebook Felony

Although I do have a Facebook page, I am not a huge fan of posting all of my "important life activities" status updates on a moment to moment basis. You won't find me doing - this....

Monkey Man

Woke up. Showered and made coffee....but not at the same time. Although I am so wonderful I probably could.

Monkey Man 
Drove to work. Traffic Sucked. Don't other drivers know how important I am.

Monkey Man 
Everything I say is interesting.....just ask me.

We all know the THAT Facebooker. Is that a word? "I may not be much, but I'm all I think about." Yeah. That guy...girl. Whatever.

The point is, you should be careful on Facebook or this may happen to you......


Facebook Post Attracts Robbers

Near St. Louis - Police say a Facebook posting apparently prompted a home invasion and robbery in Alton early Monday morning.

Alton Police Department Chief of Detectives Scott Golike said one of two young women who live in the home had posted a message on Facebook, boasting of receiving a monetary settlement in a civil court proceeding. He said the mention of money apparently attracted the robbers.

"This is a good lesson about how not to use Facebook," Golike said.

Police are seeking two men who allegedly broke into the residence at about 1:30 a.m. on Monday.

Golike said the men, both wearing bandannas and armed with handguns, burst into the home and held residents at gunpoint.

As it turned out, no one was hurt, the robbers obtained no money and took only a few of the residents' personal belongings. The two women live with several children and a man who was not home at the time of the robbery.

Police have strong leads regarding identity of the suspects.

________________

Right off the top..."live with....a man who was not home at the time of the robbery"....."strong leads regarding identity of the suspects." Coincidence? I think not. But definitely hand over your "friends" list to the police. Maybe they will see that comment on your status that says -

Joe Friend  Soooo...where are you keeping the cash??? You can tell me. I'm your most honest Friend.


Man of the house is conveniently gone. I am guessing he is either a part of the gang of thieves or the thieves just waited until the young women posted a status saying "Boy, I thought he would never leave." What a bunch of morons.


I wonder if they played one of those games where they ask questions. You know the ones. The "Top Five Smells I Like Best". Or  "My favorite ten movies". Or "Best places to hide my civil suit settlement money". 


Now back to the thieves. Did they really think they wouldn't be caught if they were allegedly using Facebook to get to this girl's money. You think they can't follow you following someone else? Hmmmm. I don't know how, but surely they can.

Well, anyway you look at it. When the thieves didn't find what they wanted, I am sure they looked at one another and said "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 Surprise

An eerie quiet 

drifted through the hall 

and down the stairs. 

He crept round the corner 

to the kitchen 

and was startled by voices shrieking, 

“Happy Fathers Day.”

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If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

Words of Warning Prequel - 55

Knowing he was taking his life into his own hands,

he continued his task

and hoped SHE wouldn’t see.

He reached out

and carefully wedged the forbidden tool

between food and pan.

Suddenly, he felt a blade

pierce his back

and heard the voice say,

“I told you, no metal spatulas on my Calphalon pan.”

_________

This story was inspired by the lovely and talented Pheromone Girl.

Read her "Words of Warning" 55 from last week for the immediate

part II of this story....if you don't remember it.

_________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun. 

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Cramped Crook

Every once in a while we will go to no length for a story. In this case no pun intended we travel all the way to Spain where thievery  gets verrrry creative and we love creativity here at the house of Monkey okay, I just made that last part up.

Contortionist thief caught hiding in suitcase on Spanish airport bus

A contortionist used his skills to steal valuables from travelers as they stowed their luggage in the undercarriage of an airport bus, but was eventually caught when his accomplice left him behind.

Flexible crook Krzysztof Grzegorz would hop into a suitcase and be placed underneath the Barcelona airport transfer bus by a friend who would purchase a one-way ticket.

While in the luggage hold Grzegorz would let himself out and steal items such as laptops and jewelery as the bus made an hour long journey from Girona airport to Barcelona city center.

Once they arrived the bag containing Grzegorz would be picked up and taken away without a fuss.

Shocked victims would constantly report missing items only after they had arrived at their hotel, but detectives were left scratching their heads as to how they went missing in such a short space of time.

The cunning pair were eventually busted when 29-year-old Grzegorz's partner in crime refused to pick up the suitcase and left him beneath the bus.

After police were called they opened up the suspicious case to find him clutching a device to break zippers, a mobile phone and a head light so he could see in the dark.

Oh my God! Don't you just love how many zees this guy has in his name? He is obviously NOT from Spain. Just a gut feeling, but definitely not from Spain. That must be why he finds it so easy to steal from them. Maybe he is still angry about something from the Inquisition. Surely someone with a sense of history will go off on me about that last statement.

So, one dude stuffs another guy into a suitcase and shoves him into the smelly, exhaust filled belly of a transit bus. Who has the better job here?

"Okay, Krzysztof, my friend, curl up in dees little box and I vill pick hue up in an howare. No an oxygen mask von't be neeted. Just fill up dees bag and hop back into dee suitcase. Really! I vill come and get hue." I have no idea what that was...but it is some sort of accent.

Sure! Honor among thieves.

Apparently Krzysztof's partner had determined he no longer wanted to share the loot. No splitsies. No halfsies. Not anymore. Someone had a plan and someone was a pawn. Imagine that.

But really. How did Krzysztof we will just call him Krazy Kz from here get OUT of the suitcase? AND...how did he get back IN? So Krazy Kz must be small or the suitcase it really big. Zipper tab on the inside? Hmmm.  Ya think.

Well, regardless, when Krazy Kz realized he wasn't going to be picked up - literally in every sense of the word - then got arrested. He must have said "Vat da Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Desire

She wanted a tender caress

and to hear

“I love you”.

She didn't know how to ask.

He wanted to touch her and say

“I love you”.

He couldn’t get by his stoic past.

_________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Breathtaking Curves

His heartbeat quickened at an astonishing pace.

Never before had he seen such beautiful curves.

When one stopped another began

in seamless, graceful continuity.

He felt he was gazing upon a masterpiece.

He wished to reach out and caress the skin.

It was the first time he had seen

the Experience Music Project in person.

_______________

Business took me to Seattle this week. I have been here hundreds of times and occasionally stay at a hotel virtually across the street from the EMP and Space Needle. As the sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, the EMP gave inspiration to this 55. It is a structure with a constantly changing visual appeal and a flow of architectural curves that has no equal.

___________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun. 

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - One Tough Gator

Heroes of many types have graced these posts from stupid criminals to assorted "just plain idiots" who are continually  out to prove the human race may not have advanced as far as its technology. In today's WTH, I focus the just plain silly from a story in my local Oregonian as written by The Associated Press.

Police Battle Hard Headed Gator

Police responding to a rare alligator sighting in suburban Kansas City, took quick action to dispatch the beast, shooting it in the head, as instructed, while it lurked menacingly in the weeds leading to a pond.

It wasn't until a second rifle shot bounced off the reptile's head that the officers realized the had mortally wounded a concrete lawn ornament.

A resident of a subdivision near the pond called police that evening to report that his children spotted the alligator while they were playing in some nearby woods.

After consulting a conservation agent, who told them to kill the gator if they felt it posed a danger, one of the officers shot it twice in the head before realizing something was up.

"It didn't move," said a police spokesperson. "They inched up closer and closer and discovered is was a mock-up of an alligator made to look very lifelike."

Where do I start? This scene is so Keystone Cops, so Boss Hogg, so Barney Fife get the idea yet? have a covered all the generations? that I just had to share it. But let me start at the beginning. It was a couple of kids trespassing in a neighbor's yard that started all this - Kids! - and dad didn't verify. Dad just called 911 in whiny, panicky, little girlie voice, crying for help. 

So the cops show up and, yes, it was evening, and start sneaking up on the poor unsuspecting "reptile". Weren't they suspicious when the critter didn't skitter away at their approach? Or when it stayed still after the first shot...not writhing in death's throe? So they shoot again! Evil concrete killers.

What I want to know is how these two fine men in blue were able to shoe their faces back at the precinct. Do you think they might have been teased? Just a little? Noooo. Police would never do that to some of there own. Nope. Never.

One thing is certain and that is when the police finally got close enough to see this was no real alligator, the most assuredly said, "What the Hell?"