Flash Fiction 55 - The Mask

It arrived in a plain brown envelope

from an unknown source.

“That thing is just creepy.

Don’t wear it,” pleaded his wife.

“I think it’s cool,” he said

as he raised the mask toward his face,

“It will scare the heck out of the kids.”

Upon awakening naked and covered in blood,

he remembered nothing.

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This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.
For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

Or if you want yet another challenge write a Sunday 160.

Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

What The Hell Wednesday - Call the cops, this tastes nasty

Time for our weekly walk through the ingenious minds of petty thieves and criminals. I can't begin to tell you what I am learning about human nature by reading article after article from the depths of police reports. It's a good thing I have a sense of humor (thanks, mom) otherwise I would lose all faith in humanity and I'm here to tell you that faith hangs by a thread anyway. Check out this edited report by Jim McKinnon of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

Man calls police to check his 'nasty' marijuana purchase

A Uniontown man Wednesday called police because what he believed was marijuana that he bought on the street tasted "nasty."

Now, investigators said, the 21-year-old man could be charged with possession of a look-a-like drug. He was not immediately arrested, and police declined to release his name.

The 'victim' reported that he had just bought a small amount of what he thought was marijuana and the taste turned him off, so he called police to check it for him, said police Det. Donald Gmitter.

Officers arrived at the man's apartment and found the green, leafy substance laid out on a table. The officers confiscated the substance after a field test kit used on the material was negative.

As dumb as the complaint sounds, Det. Gmitter said it's not nearly the first time someone has called to report being ripped off during the commission of illegal activity.

"We've had people call about prostitutes who, after they give them the money, they run away," Det. Gmitter said. "That's happened quite a few times."

The investigation is simmering.

Do you remember the old saying "Why do you think they call it 'dope'?" It sure applies here.

So I guess I should be surprised that someone stupid enough to buy fake pot is also stupid enough to call the police to check out it's "authenticity". What? You didn't smell it before you bought it? Next time take a whiff of the old stash box then a sniff of a few bottles on your spice rack and try to remember the differences. Cannabis. Oregano. Cannabis. Oregano. Get it?

What blows me away here is that not only did police take this very seriously by showing up to perform a field test on the 'nasty' substance, but they did it without laughing. At least that is how it's portrayed in the story.

I can just here the conversation.

Cop 1: "Nope, it's not marijuana. It appears to be a common kitchen spice."

Cop 2: "We should take it in as evidence."

Cop 1: under his breath "We should at least take it out to the squad car to put on our pizza. I mean, the guy did interrupt our dinner."

The other thing that cracks me up here is that Det. Gmitter (who has a vowel issue) actually had a frank discussion with a reporter about this type of report being no big deal. "Oh yeah, we get calls like this all the time. Usually some dude wanting us to chase down a hooker who stole his money. We just ask him to have his wife chase the hooker down to get his money back, to which the "victim" typically replies - What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Is nothing Sacred?

Nick's Original Coney Island
100% beef hot dogs
smothered in all meat chili,
onions and cheese.
All was good until I heard -
"Order up! Veggie dog.”
Sacrilege.
_____________________

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
____________________

Mystical Rites 55

It was an annual rite of passage,

each tribe carrying its own tradition

and method of celebration.

For some it was the proper painting of skin.

For others it was all about

ritualistic garb, headdress or mask.

Regardless, all sought great reward

for their efforts

and consistently repeated

the proper magic incantation –

Trick or Treat!

_______________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

Or if you want yet another challenge write a Sunday 160.

Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

What the Hell Wednesday - Scout's Honor, Your Honor

It was a fairly close call between this story and the story about the Cincinnati woman who robbed her husband at gun point, but how can you really top a MAYOR being arrested for stealing a purse and joy riding with a woman hanging off the side of his car. Ooooops! I just told the punch line before the joke. Oh well, read this story anyway.

San Gabriel Mayor Arrested

The mayor of San Gabriel has been arrested after a purse-snatching and a wild ride through streets with a woman clinging to his SUV.

San Gabriel Mayor Albert Huang was booked early Friday for investigation of felony assault, felony robbery and misdemeanor battery, according to police Lt. Ariel Duran.

Huang was released on $100,000 bail late Friday morning. He says the incident was the result of a misunderstanding.

"As a public official and a former Boy Scout, I hold myself to the highest standard of conduct. On last night's incident, it was a great misunderstanding between friends. As a result I am confident I will restore my reputation and prove my innocence in court,'' he told The Associated Press in an email.

Police were called to a restaurant at about 1:30 a.m. after reports of a couple embroiled in a heated argument. Duran said the 35-year-old mayor and the woman were squabbling over money in the restaurant parking lot.

Huang took the woman's purse containing her car keys, cash and personal belongings and got into her car. When the woman tried to prevent him from leaving, Huang pushed her away and got into his own car.

The woman then reached through the passenger window while standing on the SUV's running board as Huang sped away.

"It's a 25 mph speed limit zone and he's doing 45 with the female hanging on the car,'' Duran said, adding that Huang drove more than a quarter mile with the woman clinging to the side of the SUV.

I just love that quote "As a public figure and a former Boy Scout...." Now there's a good one, a public figure saying they hold themselves to a higher standard. Apparently, holding yourself to the highest standard and actually achieving it are two vastly different fetes to accomplish. Perhaps his Mayorship should write down that little quote and take a gander at it when he gets a little pissed.

Or maybe this guy should be taking more money from special interest groups so he doesn't have to "squabble" over a dinner check with some woman. We can only assume they knew each other. We can also assume the relationship is close enough that they know whose car is whose. Of course this woman could have represented a special interest and Mayor McSpeed was just making sure she wasn't holding out any money.

As to the ride on the running boards, San Gabriel is close to Los Angeles which has Disneyland and as we all know at 1:30 in the morning Disneyland is closed. Certainly this woman is a thrill seeker and with Disneyland closed, riding the SUV running boards at 45 MPH in the dark was the next best thing to Space Mountain. But, according to Mayor Carchase, it was an innocent little incident. Risking someone's life over a bar tab isn't innocent, Mr. Mayor.

As our friendly mayor drove off and approached 45 MPH, I am sure the woman clinging to his passenger door was saying something a bit more offensive than "What the Hell?"

Give me a break, Kelley.

So there I am sitting around minding my own business (wasting time) reading up on blogs I blew off over the weekend. (Yes, I do try to have a life outside of the blog0sphere - Mrs. MM would otherwise divorce me) when BAM Kelley at Kelley's break room hits me in the face with this big green blogger award.

Okay, so that's not really how it happened. What I was doing was reading her fine, funny blog about how this award asks her to write about ten things she likes. I am laughing and having a good time until I see my name on a list. Yup. There it is - Monkey Man - and I'm thinking "Shit, I have only been reading and commenting on her blog for a few weeks now. Did I tick her off and now she is getting back at me?"

So I graciously accept the "Award" and thank all the appropriate people keeping religion and higher deities off the list. There are enough sports figures, actors and rappers thanking them, they don't need it from me. Besides, religion is not my thing.

So here is my list of ten things I like followed by ten blogs I will pass this on to.

ONE: Chocolate - I LOVE chocolate. Dark. Milk. With bacon. With sea salt. With ginger (or Mary Ann). It is so good and the best thing about chocolate is that if it rots out all your teeth, you can still eat it because you don't need to chew it. Just put a piece between your tongue and the roof of your mouth and let it melt. Oh man, better stop now.

TWO: My Big Stupid Dog "Ezmond" - He is a pit bull and the sweetest most obedient dog I have ever had. The breed has a bad rap.

THREE: Disc Golf with my son - I used to throw Frisbee with buddies in the 'quad' during college. Usually loaded out of our gourds. Now my son and I get a bit of exercise and bonding all in the name of never letting him win. I am incorrigible.

FOUR: Football - You know how I said I have a life on weekends, well, this is it. Watching football. I twitch. I flinch. I have so much body movement watching it on tv you would think I am on the field. It is a wonderful waste of time.

FIVE: My chiropractor - With all the frisbee disc golf, I need a good back crackin' every now and then.

SIX: Sunday 160 - Okay this is a blatant plug for a micro fiction I host, but what the hell. I like it. Check out this week's. Right here.

SEVEN: Oatmeal Cookies - Preferably with raisins, but always and most often after begging Mrs. MM on bended knee for a late night sugar fix. (Yes, there are times when chocolate just won't do the trick.) Last night was nirvana - Monday Night Football and homemade oatmeal cookies. She is so good to me.

EIGHT: Bacon - (Are you noticing a common thread weaving through this meme?) Who doesn't like bacon? Everything is better with bacon....even bacon. I have had Bacon Chocolate, Bacon Salt, Bacon Explosion and the list goes on. Do check out the recipe I link to on the Bacon Explosion....it's heart stopping. I double up on my statin after eating that stuff.

NINE: Electricity - Without electricity I wouldn't be writing this wonderful blog, reading all of your wonderful blogs, cooking bacon or oatmeal cookies, watching football or doing any number of things that keep me fat and lazy. Yes, E-lec-tri-city, we love it.

TEN: Books - Okay, this was also on Kelley's list, but it is true. I love reading and I love books. For those who live in my area you are no doubt familiar with Powell's Books. For those who aren't, follow the link. We are blessed to have an internationally renown book store in our great city. People come from all over the world to explore, read and buy. It is awesome.

And now ten blogger to pass this on to. Mind you, you don't have to write this "ten things I like" deal if you don't want to, but I want to recognize you as newer blogs I follow and enjoy.

The Caterpillar Uprising
Absolutely Narcissism

Live Dream Love

Butts and Ashes

The Jannaverse

Ghost Hunting Theories

Unknown Mami

Is that a promise or a threat?

From Ashes to Beauty

Laughing Monkey Stick

Well, I guess now you know everything there is to know about me. Thanks for allowing me to expose myself, Kelley. Hope you enjoyed. Also, I don't think I have ever in my two year bloggy life included as many links as I have in this post. It was exhausting. See you for What the Hell Wednesday. (Guess I still needed another link and more shameless promotion.)

Sunday 160 - Fall's Cold

A golden eye squeezed open

and greeted the misty morning haze

with a shiver, unable to shake the chill.

Even a fiery display of color

couldn't warm fall’s cold.
_____________________

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
____________________

There are a few Oregonians out there who will recognize this setting.

For those of you from other areas, this is Mt. Hood.

Just an hour from downtown Portland.

Flash Fiction 55 - Beached

Skeletal remains picked to the bone

from days or weeks

of bobbing and tossing

in the surf

finally landed

on a deserted shore.

Nearly unrecognizable extremities

reached out in awkward directions
for the answer to the question –

Why?

Why had I been torn

unmercifully from my home?

Why now just a discarded piece of art?

_________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55
hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -
Mr. Knowitall.
________________________

Or if you want yet another challenge write a Sunday 160.

Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

What The Hell Wednesday - Braaains!! (or lack there of)

As we approach Halloween, it only seems appropriate that What The Hell Wednesday start featuring a few scary bits of stupidity. Okay, all of these in their own little way are a bit scary. I mean, after all, we are all of the same species...isn't that a scary enough thought in itself?

So this week we travel to Colorado where we find a very creatively thinking thug using his imagination to its best ability.

Colorado man says he thought officer was a zombie

BOULDER, Colo. — A man accused of shooting at a Longmont police officer trying to arrest him says he did so because he thought he was being chased by a zombie.

Twenty-two-year-old Brandon Duke was in court Friday and pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity to the charge of attempted first-degree murder and other charges. Authorities say an officer ran after Duke and was trying to arrest him on an outstanding warrant.

Duke told investigators he thought the officer was a zombie and he shot at him because he was trying to protect himself. The officer shot Duke, striking him in the torso and arm.

Duke will undergo a mental health evaluation and is scheduled in court again Dec. 3.

What kind of drugs was Brandon Duke on anyway? Police = Zombie. Good one, Brandon. Did the "I thought the woman's husband was chasing me" excuse already run its course? What about the "I was just out jogging and hate to lose a race, so I shot at him" excuse. That one always worked for me. (Not really, but I do hate to lose at anything.)

Now, surely once he got to court and the defense attorney heard the "Zombie" excuse, he jumped all over it. "Hey, kid. Why don't you just plead insanity and we can get you off on a lesser charge? That Policeman equals Zombie thing was quick thinking. I'm going to remember that one. I have a few clients that can use it." Don't you just love our judicial system.

So now Brandon undergoes a "Mental Health Evaluation". Well, of course he's insane. Any idiot who is out there stealing, having an arrest record and shooting at police is nuts. Do we really need these genes floating around the species? I don't think so. Although my guess is he is probably already a "baby daddy", let's snip this potential idiot breeder now before we have several little idiots out there shooting at "Zombies". Too bad the officer didn't shoot just a little lower.

Can you imagine the horror felt by the policeman as he was being shot at by some punk with a minor criminal offense? I am glad he was able to defend himself and hope that Brandon said, "What the Hell?" when the "Zombie" shot back.

Sunday 160 - Happy Anniversary

She glided down the aisle

with confidence and grace.

My heart raced

filling my veins

with everlasting love.

It was eighteen years ago

and I still feel it today.
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October 9, 1992 was the date Mrs. MM and I were married. It was a simple ceremony with immediate family and friends. Love flowed freely. Since this is our anniversary weekend, I won't be checking Sunday 160 blogs until Monday at the earliest.

Thank you all for your continued participation. Have a solid Sunday.
_____________________

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
2. Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
_____________________