Tuesday, April 12, 2011

What The Hell Wednesday - OO RAH

I woke up this morning to an email from my friend Marla from Butts and Ashes. Her husband, Bob, brought to her attention the following "authentic" police report.

Augusta, GA
Orville Smith, a  store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. 
The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

You will notice there was no headline to this story. Remember, it is said to be a police report. If it were a news story, my headline would be: Justice Served 
Now on to my traditional comments.

Poor Tyrone should consider plying another trade. Clearly he has very brittle bones. Much too brittle to be falling off a curb while running away from a robbery. Beyond that, Tyrone appears to have very poor eyesight. He clearly couldn't see these fine upstanding representatives of our armed forces when he went into the Best Buy. Then again, Best Buy improved his eyesight because he certainly saw them on his way out. 

You know, usually when you bring a knife to a fist fight it's a good thing and gives you an advantage. Not that this was a fight. I mean, those poor marines probably were quaking in their boots as Tyrone backed his way toward the curb where he fell and broke those brittle bones of his. 

What I would have loved to have heard was the interaction between the police and the marines when the police arrived at the incident. 

"What happened here, men?" 

"Well, officer, sir, this man stole a laptop from the store, stabbed my friend, fell off the curb and broke every bone in his body when he landed." 

"I see. Well, son, let's take your friend to the hospital to patch up that wound. Oh, by the way, did you bruise your knuckles and scuff your shiny boots trying to prevent our thief from falling off the curb?" 

 "Yes, sir. That's exactly what happened."

"We are proud of you boys! Thanks for your service." 

But what the police probably said was a simple "What the Hell?"


Brian Miller said...

hehe...yeah he got what he deserved...gotta watch those burbs you know...

Matty said...

Tyrone will wind up being the next Rodney King. Commit a crime and become a multi millionaire.

Cloudia said...

human behavior mystifies sometimes, MM

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral




Shadow said...

this is insane!!!

the walking man said...

Marines wear their dress blues for TFT campaigns and there is so much shine on those shoes there would be no scuff marks.

But you are correct someone that fragile shouldn't be trying to fall off cubs, damn near suicidal.

MorningAJ said...

Actually it's quite possible that he sustained those injuries by stepping awkwardly off the kerb.

As he went over on his ankle, it broke. He put out his arms to stop himself from landing heavily but they broke too.

As a result he landed on his face, where his nose, jaw and teeth took the full impact.

Unfortunately, as his arms gave way, he took his full body weight on his ribcage.

The twist as he fell (he's twisted his ankle, remember) meant that the other leg took more impact than it could handle and broke as well.

It goes without saying that he received severe bruising and cuts in the process. Roads have very hard and rough surfaces. ;)

Monkey Man said...

AJ - Excellent analysis. Thus the story must be true.

Julie Ferguson said...


Claudya Martinez said...

Tyrone sucks! Marla rocks!

Sandra said...

Falling off the curb and breaking everybone in his body sounds plausible...right?...pfffttt...this is definitely worthy of a WTF!..only you know I'd say the actually 'f' word...just sayin'...

Pat Hatt said...

hahaha yeah sure that's what happend I bet
He just figured why fret
And jumped up and down on the curb breaking each bone
Probably shouting in a vulgar tone
Although can't say he didn't bring it upon himself
Should have let the computer on the shelf

Dr. Heckle said...

I farted once and cracked three ribs...it also killed two goldfish.

I say, they may have been dead already. The charges never stuck.