Monday, June 21, 2010

What were they thinking?


As seen in the local Dollar Store.
An interesting marketing concept.
Are they suggesting these are similar products
or that perhaps they can be used
in conjunction with one another.
Can you imagine the interview process for sales clerks?
Interviewer: "Please identify these products."
Prospective employee: "Well, that there is rat poison and them are candy."
Interviewer: "Tell me about them."
Prospective employee: "They can both be eaten."
Interviewer: "Congratulations! You are our new merchandising manager."


I, for one, will have second thoughts
about ever buying candy from this store.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Satisfying Sunday 160


Cup in hand,
computer on my lap,
feet on the coffee table.
I sit back to sip
and read some talented writers.
Another laidback Sunday morning in the blogosphere.
_______________________

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules.
The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
_______________________

And a Happy Father's Day to all you Dads out there in bloggyland.
Hope you, too, have a laidback Sunday.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Friday 55 already??


As my contribution to this week’s 55 session,
should I post some lame ass old joke
that I can only hope
no one remembers?
Or should l get deep
in creative thought
to come up with another original 55
with a wild surprise ending.
Well, shoot.
Here goes nothing….
”Did you hear the one about…”
_______________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55.
If you want to know what the hell that means visit g-man.
The challenge is on.
______________

Or if you want yet another challenge write a Sunday 160.
Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Theme Thursday - Camera: More than the eye can see

A tiny brass bell jingled as Jimmy walked through the door of the pawn shop alerting a small man bent over a glass display case that a new customer had just arrived. "Can I help ya?" croaked the gravelly voice through whiskey and cigarette cured vocal chords.

"I'm looking for a camera," said the young man whose bright eyes broadcast the excitement he felt as he closed in on making a life long dream come to reality. Without looking up from the case, the old man pointed a crooked, bony finger toward a shelf in a far corner. "Thanks," came a cheerful reply.

As he neared the shelf Jimmy's head swam with confusion at the choices that lay before him. Cameras of every size and shape. Simple point and shoot types. Polaroids. Complex digitals with so many buttons and dials, he wouldn't know where to start.

Then he saw it. Old and dusty but gleaming of chrome and black. It beckoned him. He knew this was the one. As he picked it up a light shock jolted him like the strong tingle of anticipation. There was a connection he had never felt before. He was suddenly empowered, but didn't know why.

"How much for this one?" he asked the bent figure of a man.

"Oh, that one I'll sell for cheap, just to get it out of here," he coughed out. "Even throw in a roll of film. Just be careful."

Satisfied with his new purchase but wondering what the old man had meant about being careful, Jimmy set off to play with his new toy and test his eye as a photographer.

Jimmy chose random subjects: a young girl in a brightly colored dress, happily swinging on a park's swing set; a teenage boy living his LeBron James fantasy on the basketball court; a couple kissing under the glow of a street lamp; a cherry orchard in full blossom; and a puppy playfully chasing its tail. As he took the shots he felt excitement, he couldn't wait to see the results of his photo excursion. Jimmy immediately took the camera and his film to a photo processor and anxiously waited like a child on Christmas morning.

When he went to pick up his photos, the clerk didn't said a word to Jimmy. She just gave him the photos, took his money and rushed away. Jimmy thought nothing of it and ran off to view his work.

Once home, Jimmy carefully removed the photos from the envelope to unveil his masterpieces. One by one he began to review his work. His smile quickly faded. The images he remembered were no where to be found. The people had aged. It was the girl on the swing but she was naked and swinging from a pole in a darkly lit room. His basketball player was on the court - with a needle in his arm. The couple was no longer in love as evidenced by her beaten and swollen face and his drunken, open mouth scream. The beautiful trees now only a desolate parking lot. Even the playful puppy was a lonely dog waiting for death behind the bars of a local pound.

Jimmy recognized his subjects, but not what the camera had seen. He was disturbed beyond belief. Crushed. He grabbed his camera and headed back to the pawn shop where he handed the camera back to the gnarled hands of the shop's owner and said, "It was just more than I could handle".

The shop owner cocked his head, looked at Jimmy and spat, "That's what the last guy said."

What the Hell Wednesday - Is that you Jesus?

This weeks WTHW gives a break to the fine people of Salem, Oregon and has us travelling east to Darien, Connecticut, home of the seriously religious (or so this news article suggests).

DARIEN, Conn. (AP) -
Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident on Interstate 95 North in Darien that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. Police Sgt. Jeremiah Marron said officers responded to reports Saturday that a nude male was causing a disturbance on I-95. As police arrived, the man got into a car but police were able to pull the vehicle over.

Police said a tractor-trailer driver then slammed on the brakes to avoid another driver distracted by the highway commotion. The big rig jackknifed, careened into four cars and flipped over.

Rescue workers extricated the driver of the tractor-trailer.

The naked man's name was not released. It was not immediately known if he was charged.

# # #

What do they mean "The naked man's name was not released." He was Jesus! He shouted it to every passerby on the freeway. Or maybe he had a bee crawl up his pants leg while he was driving, had to pull over, strip naked to release the bee then ran around scream "Jesus" because he was so frightened by the whole experience.

A couple of details surprise me here. First, why are people slowing down to look? If I'm seeing some naked idiot screaming from the side of the road, I'm hitting the gas and getting away as fast as possible. Second, JESUS CAN DRIVE! That's pretty cool. I guess he has stayed in touch with the latest in technology since the crucifixion.

One thing is certain, everyone who passed this lunatic had to be muttering, "What the Hell?"

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Screaming 160

They argued and fought.
Screaming at the top of their lungs.
Steam rising from their exhaled words.
This was not just ruffled feathers.
They were crows in heat.


_______________________________
For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules.
The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
_______________________________

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Aromatherapy 55


The aroma hit me in the face
like a bag of angel feather.
It was ambrosia – applewood smoked bacon,
fresh cut fries
and hand packed
Angus beef burgers
in a chili
that was all meat and no beans.
As I leaned in to take a bite
a voice said,
“Look, fella, order your own food.”
_______________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55.
If you want to know what the hell that means visit g-man.
The challenge is on.
______________

Or if you want yet another challenge write a Sunday 160.
Like a text message, the Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces)
Keep on schedule - post Sunday
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site
Visit at least one other Sunday 160

Theme Thursday - Candy Encounter

Blinking through sleep encrusted eyes, I rolled to a groggy awareness of the empty spot beside me.

Memories started flooding back like Starbursts swirling in the Milky Way. She was the type of eye candy that only Hershey, Pennsylvania could produce. Lips painted an irresistible candy apple red, licorice black hair cascading across her creamy white shoulders like chocolate from a fountain and a body with all the curves of dime store candy jar. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and wanted her the way a child desires the soft gooey middle of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

As she walked my direction she said with breath as sweet as peppermint, “Hi, you Big Hunk. I could just eat you up.”

I immediately knew this will be like taking candy from a baby.

“Hi, yourself,” I replied to this walking confection. She was a Hot Tamale. I offered her a Caramel Appletini.

"Sweet", she said licking her lips the way one runs their tongue over a lollipop. I melted like a Baby Ruth in the hot sun.

She finished her drink and said, "Let's blow this candy stand and pop over to Mike & Ikes for some Lemon Drops." I couldn't say no, I am a sucker for girls and girlie drinks. "Look," I said, "you're lucky you caught me on Pay Day. I got a 100 Grand, baby."

Mike & Ikes had oldies night. We drank and danced to songs like Candy Man, I Want Candy and Lollipop until our legs felt like salt water taffy. We wobbled out to my ride. I palmed some Sen Sen, gave the full Chicklet smile and hit her with a Cracker Jack Kiss.

"Oh Henry," she Snickered. "You are truly Red Hot." We headed back to my place on 5th Avenue for more Lemon Drops. That's the last thing I remember. In the empty space on the bed was a note -

"Sorry. You were more Zero Bar than Goodbar."
Candy

______________________

This is a Theme Thursday post.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What the Hell? Wednesday (Has anyone seen my rabbit?)

This week’s “What the Hell? Wednesday” finds us going back to Salem, Oregon where the rednecks are hard at work again. Check out this article written by The Oregonian contributor Lynne Terry:

Salem, OR –

A Salem man was arrested after allegedly having his dog kill a rabbit in front of four girls at a city park.

The children were watching the bunny hop in the grass at Woodmansee Park, known for its population of feral rabbits, said Lt. Dave Okada, a Salem police spokesman. The man, who was walking his Doberman pinscher without a leash, told it to go after the rabbit.

Witnesses told Salem police the man smirked and laughed when the dog grabbed and killed the rabbit as the children cried.

Investigators later identified the suspect as Luke Kishpaugh, 33, and arrested him at home. He was booked into the Marion County Jail on allegations of aggravated animal abuse and was barred from Salem Parks, Okada said.

It’s not clear what happened to the dog
. – The Oregonian, June 3, 2010

I hardly know where to start on this one since there is so much stupidity and so many innocent victims. First and foremost, we have kids scarred for life. I know, some of you may be saying, “Monkey Man, this was nature at work. Dogs kill rabbits.” Uh, no! Not without some slack jawed idiot yelling, “Sic ‘em, Brutus and shake some blood on those dumb kids.” I am sure this was no killer rabbit. If it was, a dog wouldn’t have been enough to stop it. We all know a Holy Hand Grenade is the only true method to dispatch such a creature.

The second innocent in this is the dog. He will now be branded a killer and most likely put to death because his owner trained him without conscience. Men who train dogs in this fashion are only trying to make up for lack of penis size. The dog is just being a dog by trying to please his owner. Not knowing it was misguided.

The last victim is the rabbit. Normally I wouldn’t have much sympathy for a feral rabbit because if it weren’t the dog it would have been a coyote or a car or whatever, but since those creatures breed like, well, rabbits - one less won't make any real difference.

The good thing is this guy is now in custody where his fellow inmates will be asking, “Whadda ya in for?” To which Mr. Lackofcommonsense will have to reply, “For killing a rabbit.” At which point the laughing inmates pick themselves up off the floor and draw straws to see who is going to be the first to violate this dirt bag. An easy task because he doesn’t have his dog there to protect him.

I am sure parents and police alike stood around in that park, looked at each other and said “What the Hell?”

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Honest or not - 160


The question was simple.
But like answering -
“Do these pants make my butt look big?”
I recalled the difference between
rigorous honesty
and vigorous stupidity.
_______________________________


If you wish to take the challenge, here is a quick look at the rules.

For the original Sunday 160 post click here.
The Sunday 160 only uses 160 characters (including spaces).
Keep on schedule - post Sunday.
Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.
Visit at least one other Sunday 160.
_______________________________