Monkey Man

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2012-01-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

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Broken words

What The Hell Wednesday - Iowa Insanity

2012-01-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

Resurrected for today - another What the Well Wednesday. This time I simply ask, "Is it just Iowa that is insane? Or is it all of America?", after reading the headline in my morning paper that said "Romney, Santorum in surprise tie".

These are choices? A man who blames liberalism for abuse in the Catholic Church versus a man who believes that life begins at the moment of conception? In whose reality?

It appears that conservatism truly believes the only way to garner attention is to pander to extremist groups. In this case the far right. My only hope is that it is then the far right whose votes have been tallied in Iowa and this isn't a true consensus of the Grand Old Party.

It appears those smart enough and talented enough to run for America's highest office are also smart enough to run away from it. The position is now the crowning achievement of ambition for career politicians and not a home for true leadership.

It is a sad state America when we pick up our morning papers and see those headlines, shake our heads and mutter "What the Hell?"

Merry Christmas to all

2011-12-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas preparation was slow and precise

Trying to assure all turned out real nice

As he counted out gifts for all round the world

In his beard and his mustache his fingers they twirled

Then boarding his sleigh on one thing he did dwell

Did he remember to spray on that new present smell

Merry Christmas to all.

Intermission

2011-12-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

When I first started this blog I included a playlist. This song was first on my list. Please enjoy my all time favorite band while I ponder the future.

Sunday 160 - The End

2011-12-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

It had been a coaster ride of emotions –

happy,

sad,

angry,

funny,

depressed,

inspired –

but the time had come

for the ride to end.

Stay inspired

and

good bye.

________________________

This is the last Sunday 160 I will host. I began writing Sunday 160's as a way to commit myself to a weekly blog post. Now the time has come to take a break. Thank each and every one of you for participating at some time over the past couple of years.

-30-

55 - Charmed

2011-12-01T17:02:00.000-08:00

His life seemed charmed.

The right job was there when he needed it.

People came into his life at just the right moment.

Even when finances looked desperate,

money would arrive.

He felt like he had it all

and it all led to this very moment in time.

Now, all he could do was smile.

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.
_____

What The Hell Wednesday - Little Old Lady My Ass

2011-11-29T15:58:00.000-08:00

A number of What The Hell Wednesdays have featured heroes who have thwarted crimes. I love those and wish I could find more, but they just don't show up as frequently as just plain old activities by the criminally stupid which is a redundancy.

59 Year Old Woman Chases Down Purse Snatcher

LONGVIEW, Wash. - A 59-year-old woman chased down a purse snatcher who was fleeing on a bicycle in Longview pulled him to the ground and grabbed back her purse.

Two witnesses detained the man until officers arrived.

According to court documents filed this week, the theft took place in a Safeway parking lot last Friday. The woman chased the bicyclist about 15 feet.

The purse contained $62 and five credit cards.

A Cowlitz County Superior Court judge found probable cause to charge 29-year-old Mark Grendahl Jr. of Longview with five counts of second-degree theft. He was held Wednesday evening in the Cowlitz County Jail on $25,000 bail.

__________________________

I am thinking the purse snatcher should have learned how to ride a bike before he decided to use it as a getaway vehicle. What was this guy....12....I know...I know, I read it....he was 29.....going on 12. But caught after going only 15 feet??? That's hardly the length of an SUV.

I don't like that the article makes 59 sound old. I know some 59-year-olds who are in better shape than 29-year-olds, not to mention a ton smarter. Smart enough to know they can outrun a klutz trying to hop on a bike and try to speed away.

Hey, Mark! How did it feel when that 59-year-old knocked you off your bike? You like road rash? Bet you weren't wearing a helmet either. Leave some scalp on the parking lot? I hope the police used the old kind of Bactine that really stung when you put it on as they cleaned up his scrapes and scratches.

So, cheers to you - 59-year-old woman - for kicking ass and taking names. You are my new hero until the next one comes up on line.

I can just see Mark's surprised face as he looked up from under his bike and saw he just got taken down by a woman old enough to be his mom. I will also bet you he said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Pie to the Tenth Power

2011-11-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

None could bake pumpkin pie

the way she could.

Rich, yet light.

His mouth watered

at the thought of it

sliding down his throat

like God dressed in silk pajamas.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Burdened

2011-11-24T17:02:00.000-08:00

Struggling to get a full grip with his situation,

he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Gasping for air under the extreme crush,

he was panicked over the constraint.

How would he extract himself from this situation?

Then he heard,

“Get off your father’s back, you two.

You know he gets claustrophobic.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.
_____

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

What The Hell Wednesday - An Axe to Grind

2011-11-22T15:30:00.000-08:00

Here is a post-Halloween tidbit I just couldn't resist. Yes, I know it's the week before Thanksgiving, but I can't post these stories before they are printed....if you know what I mean.

Man Arrested Over Costume Axe

AKRON, Ohio - An Ohio man who carried a rubber prop ax into a bar before Halloween is trying to get prosecutors to dismiss an inducing panic charge.

The Akron Beacon Journal reports that 42-year-old Bill Morrison is a Halloween enthusiast who has long worked on seasonal haunted house attractions. He told Akron police he went to Corky's Thomastown bar on Oct. 16 to sell a friend the costume ax, which had red paint to make it appear bloody.

A woman who saw Morrison with the ax under his coat called 911 and said he looked suspicious.

Morrison was jailed overnight before being released on bond.

His attorney, Ed Sawan, says the charges appear to be unfounded. Akron City Prosecutor Doug Powley indicates his office is still studying the case.

_____________________

I know, this dates waaaaay back to October 16, but really, the story didn't appear on my favorite web source until today, November 22. For you readers outside the good old USofA that's my favourite web source. But enough about the somewhat tardy appearance of this article, let's talk about it.

First, I think that is an awesome Halloween axe and I wish I had one. Second, what is Bill Morrison doing hiding it under his coat? If this were his regular bar, you'd think he would come in all angry like brandishing the axe over his head screaming like a wild man asking where his buddy was. But not knowing anything about this bar, maybe Bill thought if he did that he would get shot. Ya never know.

So, he slides into the bar all coy-like with a fake axe hidden under his coat and freaks some half drunk idiot out of her bloomers. She calls 9-1-1 and poor Bill is arrested for nearly in-sighting a riot, er, I mean....inducing panic. Inducing panic? Shee-it. I think the woman who called 9-1-1 would be induced to panic if someone walked up behind her and said "Hi!"

Okay, Bill is arrested. His buddy doesn't get the axe he wanted as a Halloween prop and the police get to pose for pictures. Isn't that a cool axe? Did I say I want one? Meanwhile nosy 9-1-1 lady drives off in a drunken stupor to buzz kill someone else's fun. We will probably read about her in a later post after she blows the whistle on someone who isn't as nice as Bill and meets an untimely end with an axe that isn't fake.

For sure, as Bill was belly up to the bar, axe in hand, slugging back a few, he was caught by surprise by the Akron police and, as they cuffed him and shove him and his cool axe into the squad car, said "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Little Girl Lost

2011-11-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

Alarms kept her in a state of constant alert.

Uncertainty crushed thoughts

of potential adventures.

What ifs ruled the day.

It was sad how anxiety ran her life.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - It's History

2011-11-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

His hand nervously hovered over the button.

He had been waiting

for someone else to make the final call,

not wanting to be responsible

for what would be an historic event

that would affect millions of lives.

As the clocked ticked down,

the button was pushed.

History forever linked him to -

The Heidi Game.

________________________________

On this date in history, Dick Cline, an NBC programmer hit the button that switched from the November 17, 1968 okay this is Thursday’s date and this is a Flash Fiction Friday but I’m going with it Oakland Raiders versus New York Jets football game to the movie Heidi. With only 65 seconds left in the game, the Jets kicked a field goal to give them a 32-29 lead. After commercial break, the network went to their originally scheduled 7:00 PM airing of the movie Heidi. What fans across America missed after that was two touchdowns by the Oakland Raiders in a span of nine seconds. So many irate fans called NBC after game results were flashed on the screen 20 minutes later, that their switchboard yes, switchboard…this was 1968, remember! literally blew a fuse. Even emergency lines were clogged for hours and you thought Katrina was a disaster. Final score Raiders - 43 Jets - 29 NBC - 0.

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Soy Suit

2011-11-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like reading about the incarcerated complaining about their conditions. Let alone suing over them. Check out this story about an "entitled" prisoner.

Prisoner Sues over Soy Meals

CLERMONT, Fla. – A Florida inmate is suing the state’s prison system for pulling the pork from his meals.

Eric Harris, a 32-year-old convicted pedophile who is serving a life sentence, suggests Lake Correctional Institution’s policy of serving a vegan diet is seriously affecting the quality of his life sentence.

The Weston A. Price Foundation, a special interest group against soy products, will pick up the case’s legal expenses, and announced it has class-action ambitions including other prisoners, prison guards and taxpayers.

The foundation began receiving complaints from Florida prisoners in 2009, when cooks replaced 60-70 percent of meat in meals with soy substitutes. They claimed to suffer from a myriad of health problems, including chronic constipation followed with debilitating diarrhea and vomiting, passing out, heart palpitations, and rashes.

Harris said it’s cruel and unusual punishment.

Joellen Rackleff, a Department of Corrections spokeswoman, said meals are half soy and half poultry. Serving all meat means the $47 million food budget would double.

Currently, Florida feeds inmates three meals per day for $1.70 per inmate. Rackleff said the department should be mindful of taxpayers who pick up prisoners’ bills when making their meals and offers alternatives to soy.

U.S. courts have said in the past that prisons have to serve nutritious meals, not pretty ones or those that comply with a prisoner’s idea of home cooking.

Rackleff said meals meet those standards and comply with federal nutrition guidelines.

____________________

Every time I read one of these stories there is always one thing that just leaps off the page at me. With this story, it is the idea that a pedophile is complaining about the quality of his life sentence. Hello! You're a pedophile! You're lucky someone hasn't killed you already....sicko. They should just let you starve. Stop complaining about the food. You have sentenced kids to lives of therapy.

On top of this sick f@%k complaining about his food, we have a foundation coming to his aid. A Foundation. Do they know who they are supporting??

The Weston A. Price Foundation states on its web site "They're happy because they eat butter" and "Cod Liver Oil: Our most important superfood". No strange issues there. Apparently, the foundation and the child molester agree on one thing - eating soy is cruel and unusual punishment. So be it! Is prison supposed to be a vacation?

You really have to hand it to Florida though, feeding an inmate three squares a day on only a buck seventy. All in the interest of being responsible to its tax payers. Go Florida. Have they ever thought that it was the mystery meat and not the soy causing all the physical symptoms? Eat your swill and be happy, inmates. Jeez.

The judge who read the suit pedo-filed by the inmate, surely shook his head in disgust and said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Confined

2011-11-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

In the dark, damp space

he struggled

as he twisted his body

into the only position

he felt would give him

any sort of leverage.

He hated working under the sink.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - It's all in the name

2011-11-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

“You know, I remember the good old days when you could go to the store and buy prunes. I loved the taste of prunes and all their leathery goodness. I miss them. What ever happened to prunes?”

“Prunes. All you ever talk about is prunes. Why don’t you shut up and eat your dried plums.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Coping With Teaching

2011-11-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

As I read through potential candidates for What The Hell Wednesday, it is the headlines that draw me into stories. And when I see the words "School" and "DUI" in the same headline....I know I have a winner.

Teacher Arrested for DUI in School Parking Lot

A Lee County teacher is accused of driving under the influence and deputies say she crashed into another car in her school's parking lot.

Deputies say on Thursday morning, the Dunbar Middle School, school resource officer called to report a minor crash that happened in the parking lot.

The crash involved teacher Christine Murgueytio's white Kia and another parked car.

The SRO told deputies that Murgueytio might have been impaired because an eyewitness had said that she was stumbling and that her speech was "thick tongued."

When deputies arrived and spoke the teacher, she was asked if she had been drinking or taking any drugs.

According to the arrest report, she replied that she had only taken one Ambien Wednesday night.

When asked to take a field sobriety test, she agreed but asked to do so in the back of the parking lot so that her coworkers and students would not see it happening.

Based on the results of those tests, she was placed in custody and asked to give a breath sample.

And as the deputy was gathering her things from her car, according to the arrest report, he found two beer cans in her lunch box next to some uneaten plums.

Murgueytio also agreed to give a urine sample, which was then placed into evidence.

She was then taken to the Lee County Jail, but has since been released on bond.

___________________

At first glance, you might think this teacher is drunk first thing in the morning because she has to deal with junior high kids. But in reality, it's because she drives a Kia. I mean, really! Who wouldn't start chugging beers on the way to work if you had to be seen in a Kia. Isn't that just nothing more than an imitation Honda? Or Toyota?

Or maybe she drinks because she has an unpronounceable name that she has to spell all the time.

Regardless, if she'd eaten the plums no one would have noticed. For sure she would have then been more regular. Oh.....that's prunes? I mean, dried plums? I know they no longer like to market them as prunes.

But she didn't eat the plums and they did notice. No doubt because she was playing bumper cars in the parking lot and staggering around ~~looking for more beer~~ checking out the damage. Then she tries to blame her "thick tongued" speech on an Ambien she had taken. Who knew Ambien smelled like beer?

At least they had the decency to take her out by the school's smoking section to make her do the field sobriety test so the kids couldn't see. Wouldn't want to scare those innocent, impressionable little minds now would we. But that didn't stop the cops from tossing her in the back seat of a squad car and carting her off to jail.

Even as the kids were cheering from their classes, teachers were pondering "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Are you ready?

2011-11-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

Gray skies pressed down coldly overhead,

crying drizzling tears

upon hunched shoulders

and umbrella-covered heads.

It was a great day to watch college football.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Who here can write?

2011-11-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

“We’d heard you are a good writer and we would like you to write some content for our new web site,” said the marketing director.

“I’d love to,” replied the lowly salesman. “I have some great ideas about 2D bar code use. But tell me, do I have to limit my story to 55 words?”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - TV Addiction Hurts

2011-11-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

Even in my own home town I am not safe from idiocy...and this wasn't the only story featuring brain cell deprived in my neck of the woods. The story I'm not going to share here is one about the drug dealers who placed "Heroin for sale" fliers around their neighborhood. Needless to say, they got busted and so did this guy.....

Man Breaks into Home to Watch TV

PORTLAND, OR - Police in Oregon say a man broke into a home in Portland to watch television.

The Oregonian reported that 32-year-old Jason Leon Bastrom faces charges of criminal trespass after the homeowner called police.

Police say Bastrom let himself in through an unlocked front door early Sunday and sat down on the couch to watch television. They say the homeowner alerted authorities, and then sent over a family member who lived nearby.

Authorities say the family member confronted Bastrom and struck him in the head, knocking him unconscious. Authorities took Bastrom to the hospital to be treated for injuries before booking him into the Multnomah County Jail.

__________________________

What first comes to my attention is this guy broke into a house on Sunday morning....in the fall....during football season....to watch TV. Me thinks his own TV must have been on the fritz, so he decides to break into a house to catch a little pre-game. Maybe looking for insight before he calls his bookie.

What did he do? Walk from door to door in this neighborhood twisting door knobs until he found one unlocked? He probably has a masters degree. Just sayin'.

My curiosity is piqued by the "nearby family member" who "struck him in the head and knocked him unconscious". "Family Member" either has fists of steel or packs a cast iron skillet and TV addict guy had to be carted off to the local hospital for treatment. Probably pouring out blood like Chuck Wepner. For those too young to remember, Chuck was a fighter known for three things - nearly beating Muhammad Ali, being the basis for the movie "Rocky" and having the nickname Bayonne Bleeder.

Poor homeowner, so frightened they had to call in reinforcements and no doubt pissed because they couldn't watch the game on their TV. What a shame.

Can you imagine starting to walk into your living room to take in NFL on Fox and seeing a stranger already tuned in? I know I would immediately have to say, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Lost

2011-10-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

Wandering aimlessly,

he refused to believe

he could be lost.

Food & water – gone.

He teetered

on the brink of panic

and then remembered

it was only a corn maze.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Implants?

2011-10-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

“Did you read about the Danish study that concluded radiation from cell phones doesn’t increase the risk of cancer or tumors in the brain?”

“Yah, I suppose now cell phone manufacturers will try to figure out a way to implant phones directly into our heads.”

“Well, that’s one way to do away with butt dialing.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - What a Bunch of Bologna

2011-10-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

What The Hell Wednesday has posted a number of stories that fall under the category of "This can't possibly be true", but I am here to tell you that this one is the topper. I only ask one question with this report - "Why?"

Bologna Smuggler Caught at Border

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -- A New Mexico resident has been cited after federal officials say he tried to smuggle 76 pounds of bologna into the U.S. from Mexico by hiding it in a spare tire.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection said last week that the eight rolls of Mexican bologna were discovered aboard a truck at an El Paso port of entry on Friday.

According to officials, officers detected an anomaly in the appearance of a Ford F-150 as it arrived at the Paso Del Norte international crossing port. Agents scanned the spare tire with a "Buster" density meter.

When they opened the spare tire, officials said agents found the bologna hidden inside

The driver was assessed a $1,000 civil penalty and was released.

_____________

Really? Bologna? Oscar Mayer not good enough for you? Something extra special hidden in the Mexican bologna? Longer lasting than putting air in your spare? Why not just declare it?

Oh! You say you can't bring prepared meat from Mexico into the US? Then that must be some pretty tasty bologna. Or just cheap. Then again, it's not so cheap when it costs you a civil penalty of $1000.00 or $13,526.56 Mexican Pesos for those keeping track of the monetary exchange across the border.

But for me it just keeps coming back to bologna. Bologna? Do you know what's in that stuff? It's like a flattened hot dog. Does that tell you enough? It's finely ground "sausage" with lard added to it. Yup. Lard.

Can you just image what goes into bologna where processing plants don't have the FDA breathing down their necks? Makes me gag just thinking about it.

But I do get a real chuckle out of picturing the looks on the border patrols' faces when they open up a spare tire thinking "Huge drug bust....great glory for us" and they find.....bologna....76 pounds of bologna. There is no doubt in my mind they literally screamed "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Naked Fall

2011-10-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ominous hues of black and gray

rolled through the skies

with grim ferocity

sucking even the brightest

of fall colors

from the trees,

leaving them to feel naked.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Death at Dinner

2011-10-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

The family stood over the lifeless form in disbelief.

Where there had once been the clatter of plates

and an animated chatter of dinner conversation,

there was now stunned silence.

Seconds seemed like hours

until a voice piped in,

“You can play dead all you want,

but it won’t get you out of washing dishes.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Just Desserts

2011-10-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

While this isn't the first time someone has run afoul with the law for a "food fight" - see my previous WHTW's titled "That Steak Packs a Punch" and "Tatter Tussel" - I am sure it also won't be the last. Just the same, this story carries an oddity the other two don't...

Woman Arrested For Cupcake Attack

CHICAGO - A Chicago woman arrested on a domestic battery charge allegedly hit her husband over the head and pelted him with cupcakes, police said.

Chicago police said they were called to a home Saturday night in the Brighton Park neighborhood on the Southwest Side of the city and officers arrived to find the husband with smudges of icing on his head and body, the Chicago Tribune reported Monday.

The husband told police he feared for his safety.

Police said the woman admitted to throwing the cupcakes and used "a very aggressive tone" when speaking to officers.

Dawn Montesdeoca, 60, was arrested on a misdemeanor count of domestic battery. Cook County Circuit Judge Adam D. Bourgeois Jr. ordered electronic monitoring for the woman.

________________

I love that this food fight happened in Cook County. That is so appropriate. But my guess is that Dawn may not have been such a great cook. I mean, how else could this fight have started?

Husband: "Dawn, these cupcakes taste like sh#* and they're so heavy we could hurt someone with them. When are you gonna learn how to bake?"

Dawn: "Great idea....Catch."

So put yourself in the position of being the police who show up at this domestic disturbance and find a guy covered with icing and cake bits. How do you keep from laughing? I mean really. I would have almost bit my tongue in two suppressing even a giggle. Then in their report they actually write that Dawn used "a very aggressive tone" with them. Uh, yah. At least she didn't throw more of her crappy cupcakes.

Not to mention that husband is probably lucky Dawn only picked up cupcakes. But what's next? How will this escalate the next time her cooking is complained about? Husband can only hope she doesn't cook with a cast iron skillet. Or bake pies....you know....rolling pin.

One thing is more than certain, and that is when the Chicago police shared this story back at the precinct house more than one of their peers pronounced between laughs, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Old Haunts

2011-10-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Sitting quietly at her table,

she felt a presence

and began her order.

Turning to her server,

she saw no one was there

and a shivering chill rushed through her.

______________________________

Mrs. MM and I are on our way to celebrate our 19th anniversary in a small town in the beautifully scenic Columbia Gorge. While there we intend to enjoy a meal at The Baldwin Saloon which is said to be haunted. We are most excited about it. I hope you all have a good weekend. I won't be stopping by to read your 160's until after our return, but I will stop by.
Thanks in advance for playing along with the Sunday 160.

_______________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Fall Creeps

2011-10-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

The lone leaf loosed the grasp

of its wooden perch

and drifted slowly to their feet.

Huddled close,

as the evening’s chill

sucked the last warmth

from the day,

they felt the shift to Fall

in the full moon’s cool illumination,

the smell of drifting fireplace smoke

and the haunting hoots of an unseen owl.

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Nice Doggie

2011-10-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I very nearly skipped putting together a What The Hell Wednesday this week, but when I saw this story, I just had to share. It also had one my all time favorite attributes....it's short.

Kind K-9 Encounter Ends In Arrest

If you have marijuana in your pocket, it's not a good idea to pet a patrolling police dog.

The Binghamton Press & Sun Bulletin reports that 48-year-old Kelly Simpson was busted Wednesday after he stopped to pet K-9 Tarah, who was on foot patrol with her handler in Endicott.

Police say Tarah smelled marijuana and alerted the officer.

Simpson was charged with unlawful possession of marijuana, a violation, and released on an appearance ticket.

___________________

See....short. Just like the foresight of the idiot who just had to pet the dog. What was he thinking??? Oh, that's right, thinking isn't part of the process for one Kelly Simpson.

Did he think there's that word again that he would get over on the policeman? Did he think and again that police dogs are only used to out run criminals and grab them in their teeth? Did he forget like he ever knew that a dog's sense of smell is it's strongest sense? Or was he just plain stupid...rhetorical question, people...rhetorical...we all know the answer.

Of course since I never inhaled, I wouldn't know, but apparently the use of marijuana dulls the mind. Or again, Kelly is just plain stupid. Or both? Votes??

All of the above it is.

For certain, Kelly must have been frightened when the K-9 started "altering his handler". I am sure as the dog pushed its nose into Kelly's marijuana lined pocket, he screamed, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Heartless

2011-10-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

As the coroner made his “Y” incision

and opened the cadaver’s chest,

his assistant gasped,

“He has no heart.”

“He was a Wall Street CEO…

he didn’t need a heart.”

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Damn Modern Music

2011-10-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

“I just don’t like the music

played on the radio these days.

Half the time,

I can’t understand the words.

The music I grew up with

was so much more interesting

and told an intricate

and fascinating story.

AND today's lyrics are so repetitive.”

“I have four words for you, Dad. Cream - I’m So Glad.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Hang up and drive

2011-10-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you may already know how I feel about those who talk on their cell phones while driving. If you don't know, then go read THIS....but put down your phone first. In the spirit of "Get off your damn cell phone and drive" I found this little gem. Okay, so it's not so little. It may be one of the longest articles I have regurgitated, but if it weren't good it wouldn't be here.

Ex-Cop Reporting Drunk Diver Told To Hang Up

CALGARY - Following a suspected drunk driver who was weaving all over the highway near Okotoks, retired Mountie Rob Laird grabbed his cellphone and dialed 911.

But Laird said he was shocked when after taking his information, the RCMP dispatcher told him to hang up and stop following the suspect SUV as Laird was breaking the province's new distracted driving law.

"In all my years (of policing) I never saw anyone drive like this," said Laird, who was an RCMP officer for 10 years in Okotoks, High River and Calgary.

"Completely over into the left-hand lane forcing vehicles to take the ditch and shoulder, then back again and down into the other ditch where I thought 'he'll end it here and roll it' but this went on for a long ways.

"Finally we pulled up to a traffic light by Okotoks and stopped so I wrote the license plate down and phoned 911.

"I told the girl I was going to witness a fatal accident."

After giving the dispatcher the plate number and a description of the vehicle, Laird said he was told not to follow the vehicle any longer as he was breaking the law himself.

"She said 'are you on hands-free?' and I said 'no, I'm not' and she says 'sir, I want you to hang up because you are breaking the law and I want you to cease following that vehicle.'"

Laird didn't listen, however, and after hanging up, said he followed the SUV to Black Diamond.

"I watched him get out and stagger and fall and grab his golf clubs out of the trunk and stagger into the house and basically get away with this crime," he said.

Given the gravity of the situation, Laird said the police should have been more worried about a potential drunk driver than his holding a cell phone to his ear.

"My understanding of the law is if you are calling about an emergency, you can use your phone," he said.

But that's not entirely true, explained RCMP spokesman Tim Taniguchi.

"It basically says the use of a cellular phone or other communication device (is allowed) for contacting an emergency response unit by an individual driving or operation a vehicle," he said.

"What we do is if a person calls from a vehicle using a wireless device, that's a contact, we get sufficient information to effect a police response."

Taniguchi said police got enough information from Laird -- the license plate, vehicle make and color -- to begin investigation, which is now ongoing.

"We cannot allow the driver to follow a vehicle while on a phone because that's going against the legislation," he said.

"The best situation would be to have a hands-free device or allow a passenger to use the phone and relay information."

_______________

So who's the bad guy here? We have three parties all of whom is that right? If it isn't I know someone out there will correct me seem to be teetering on the edge of wrong. Okay, so drunk, weaving, careless idiot driver is NOT on the edge but waaay over. The other two, however, are clearly in that area of two rights - one trying to be more right than the other - are not necessarily right.

But before I get into that....Okotoks?? Who names these towns? Oh yeah, Canadians. Now back to my story.

Ex-cop just can't stop being a cop. Dispatcher is so rigid with rules she probably can't go to the bathroom without a handbook. These two were on a collision course with one trying to be more right and law abiding than the other. So much so that the drunk gets away. He even has time to get his golf clubs out of his trunk. Saaaay! I wonder if the SUV driver was the same guy caught drunk driving in a golf cart in Massachusetts - you know...the one someone called police about to say a clown stole a golf cart? Naaah. Couldn't be.

But to add insult to injury, we get a lesson on what is legal and what is illegal about using a "non-hands-free" cellular device while driving. Gee, common sense says if you have doubt don't. Which brings me to another point - common sense doesn't appear to be so common any more. So sad.

Without a doubt, when ex-cop and dispatcher hung up from talking with one another, they simultaneously said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Zombie Hangover

2011-10-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

Alone and afraid

as footsteps crept ever closer,

she hoped they wouldn't find her.

Then a voice grunted,

"Zombie Walk was last Friday.

You can stop hiding now.”

____________

I had so much fun clicking through the list of Zombie Walk participants,

I just couldn't get out of the mood. I had to write another Zombiesque post.

Happy October all.

______________________________

If you want to play along with the Sunday 160. Here are the rules.

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

Post Apocalypse 55

2011-09-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

The long war had finally ended.

Disease and violence

had taken its toll

through the entire apocalyptic event.

A new world of normalcy now prevailed.

In a small recovering town,

a bell jingled

with the opening of a door

as the bent shopkeeper slowly grunted,

“Whut kin Ah git fur ya?”

“Brains,”

came the reply.

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall
in combination with Zombie Walk

hosted by Ghost Hunting Theories.

For more 55's pay G-man a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
For a list of Zombie Walk participants
check out the list below.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

______________

Zombie Walk Participants

Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Gnostalgia
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Pixie's Horror Galore
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Haiku-Koo-Koo
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny

What The Hell Wednesday - Simon Says

2011-09-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised to see the words "drunk" or "stoned" or "DUI" in the headlines of the stories I review for this weekly funfest. After all, if these people were in their right minds they probably wouldn't be featured in articles about stupid criminals now would they? Don't answer that...it's rhetorical.

Drunk Robber Faked Out By Clerk

PALM BAY, Fla. -- Authorities in Florida say a drunk woman who allegedly tried to rob a convenience store with a toy gun was tricked by a clerk who faked the arrival of police.

Palm Bay police said clerks at a Kangaroo Express store told them Wilnelia Caraballo, 19, was wearing a clear plastic mask and carrying an "Uzi-type" toy gun when she walked into the store at 5:51 a.m. Sunday and went behind the counter.

Police said one clerk, who had been stocking a cooler at the time, spotted Caraballo behind the counter and shouted "Palm Bay police, get on the ground!"

Investigators said Caraballo, who was intoxicated, complied with the instructions and a second clerk held her until officers arrived.

Caraballo was charged with attempted armed robbery and taken to the Brevard County Jail.

_______________

I hardly see the need to comment on this story because it holds its own so well. Intoxicated at 5:51 a.m. Wearing a clear plastic mask. Hits the dirt after a shout out by a store clerk who didn't even say "Simon Says". How dumb are we, Wilnelia? And what kind of a name is that? Your momma and daddy liked Willie Nelson so much they named you after him?

See what I mean? This just writes itself. Willienelsonia, wearing a clear mask so she won't be recognized and carrying a toy gun to be intimidating, gets her drunk self out smarted by a clerk who has the wherewithal to pretend to be the police.

First time robbing a convenience store, Wilnelsonmandelia?

Drink too much liquid courage before the heist?

Not familiar with the rules to Simon Says?

Too stupid for words?

I'm thinking the latter, for sure.

One thing is certain and that is once Wilnelia realized she had been out witted by a convenience store clerk not to say convenience store clerks are dumb - I like my local convenience store clerk, he is a super nice guy I am sure she just mumbled "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Superstition

2011-09-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

The fastidious ritual

would give him

control over the destiny

of his hated rivals

and place victory

in his hands.

His wife thought

face paint looked ridiculous.

______________________________

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - A Rose by any other name

2011-09-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

Battered, bruised and browning

they held on for dear life

as the season was coming to an end.

As petals fell to the ground

the essence of their beauty

was left in the sweet

aromatic fragrance

that trailed in the air.

If you were to close your eyes,

you could still picture the perfect bloom.

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Desperate for Friendship

2011-09-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

You may have remember my other WTHW about Facebook - Facebook Felony - and while there have been other similar stories I passed on, this one was just too good to pass up. Check out what the Facebook "friend" addiction did for this creepy crook.

Woman Receives "Friend" Request From Her Own Stolen Phone

A Greeley man accused of breaking into a woman’s home and stealing her cellphone was arrested after he began texting one of her friends with the phone and even sent her a friend request on Facebook. Police said they used the cellphone signal to help track him down.

Juan Gonzales Jr., 22,was arrested Wednesday and is being held at the Weld County Jail on second-degree burglary and felony theft charges after a woman reported that she found him standing over her bed at 3 a.m., according to police reports.

When the woman screamed, Gonzales reportedly grabbed her cellphone and ran out of the house in downtown Greeley. The woman’s roommate reported to police that she, too, was missing a cellphone, a laptop computer and some jewelry.

The victim said the man was wearing a gray shirt and red shorts. An hour later, a friend of the victim’s began receiving text messages from the victim’s phone.

As police located the phone using technology from a cell tower, the victim contacted police. She had received a friend request on Facebook from a man named Duce Gonzalez.

The victim confirmed the man who friended her on Facebook was the same one who stole her phone.

When police went to take Gonzales in to custody, he was wearing a gray sweatshirt and red shorts — the same thing the woman said she saw the intruder wearing the day he entered her home.

_____________

Juan "Duce" Gonzales isn't just another dude addicted to increasing his "friends" numbers, he's just plain creepy. Found standing over the woman's bed at 3 a.m.!?! We all know what profilers say comes next, but I won't say it. I will just repeat...Creepy. Very, very creepy. Did I mention creepy? Or psychotic?

Duce didn't want to be called junior, eh? was also not very bright. Steal a cell phone and start friending the owner's friends on Facebook? and the owner? Duh! Woman sees you at the foot of her bed again creepy then you ask her to be your friend on Facebook? What were you thinking? Oh...right. Thinking isn't exactly something you do, is it Duce. Genius.

Apparently you also kept using the phone because the police just followed your signal and busted you in the same clothes you had on when you snuck into those poor girls' home. Perv. Creepy perv. Why didn't you just put a neon sign up on your roof that said "Creepy pervert who breaks into women's homes lives here." Well, no one ever said you were the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I can just imagine the look on your face when you were "ignored" by the people you had made friend requests of. I am sure you must have been so surprised by that fact you simply said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Ho Ho No

2011-09-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Skulls, skeletons, monsters,

vampires and werewolves

frightened him not.

But the laughing fat man

in the red suit

was too much.

He ran screaming from the store.

______________________________

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Second Time Around

2011-09-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

Reaching back into history,

he fumbled around

looking for a lost soul

no one might remember.

This one?

No, too depressing.

This one?

Too sappy.

Then, feeling around

the bottom of a pile

of mixed emotions,

old hard feelings

and bad humor,

he found it.

An old 55 he was sure no one would remember.

____________

I was so seriously considering going the lazy way and digging up an old 55 hoping no one would notice and you probably wouldn't that I drew from that inspiration to create this 55. However, I also couldn't resist this old number from two years ago. I hope you enjoy the replay.

____________

55 - In Fear

September 17, 2009

It permeated the room.

Curling and twisting

as if it had a mind of its own,

leaving nothing

but destruction in its wake.

Children ran screaming.

Adults cringed in fear

as nausea overtook them.

Alone, I stood before the beast.

“Please,” I pleaded.

“Stop feeding the dog table scraps.

You know it makes him fart.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Speed Dial-a-Date

2011-09-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

Just like last week, we tromp off into the international world of crazies for our weekly What The Hell Wednesday. This one comes from Amsterdam. I wonder what got into this woman to do such a thing.

Woman Calls Ex-Boyfriend 65,000 Times

AMSTERDAM - Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year.

The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam.

Hague prosecution spokeswoman said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn't excessive. The man denied they had a relationship.

The court ordered her not to contact him again.

"The number of calls...to him wasn't excessive." That is a great quote. Here, let me work this out for our 42-year-old from The Hague. What kind of a name is that for a city? Hi, I'm from The Houston or The Philadelphia....oh, wait, we actually have a town in Oregon named The Dalles....forgive me, The Hague. Ms. Not-excessive called Mr. Irresistible 65,000 time in a year. That's 5,416.66666666...times per month, 178 times per day, 7 and a half times per hour or every 8 minutes. Not Excessive? Does she work for a bill collecting company? Not that I would know from experience.Did she sleep? Eat? Work?

Boss: "Ms. Not-excessive, please don't use your cell phone during staff meetings."

Ms. Not-excessive: "Sokay, I am just ordering lunch."

Boss: "For the 8th time in an hour?"

I won't even mention that the guy is 62 ooops, I just did. Now I'm not saying 62 is old but it is twenty years older than she is. Don't you think you could excessively call someone closer to your own age, Ms. Not-excessive? She is quite a piece of work. He even denies "having a relationship" with her. Well, he did have a relationship. He was the stalkee.

I bet you can just imagine what Mr. Irresistible said as he answered his phone for the 64,999th time. Yup...he said "Wat in hemelsnaam?" (Translation - "What the Hell?")

Sunday 160 - Unending Love

2011-09-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Theirs was a relationship

forged in the furnace

of hot passion

and deep seated love.

Cast though experience

and respect.

A rock solid love

we would see forever.

______________________________

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Acrophobia

2011-09-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

As the oxygen depleted altitude

began to affect his thinking,

his white knuckled fingers

gripped even tighter

and he allowed himself

a firmer foothold,

all the while repeating,

“Don’t look down.

Don’t look down.”

At the same time,

his partner murmured,

“Stop with the drama already, will you.

It’s only a six foot step ladder.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Defacing de face

2011-09-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

On the virtual eve of the tenth anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center in New York, international terrorism is alive but a bit toned down in one of the world's most photographed natural wonders - The Grand Canyon.

International Terrorism Strikes Grand Canyon

Grand Canyon, AZ — An Ottawa man is facing two charges after spray-painting his name in red letters on a prominent, culturally significant, often-photographed rock face in the Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.

According to a United States District Court complaint filed by a National Park Service Ranger the man admitted that he tossed the used can of spray-paint into the Grand Canyon after a tour leader and other bystanders began yelling at him.

Because of their uproar, Lucien Lionel Chenier only made it up to “Luci,” though he said he had intended to write his full name, according to the ranger’s affidavit.

In the affidavit the ranger said that National Park Service resource experts he called to the scene told him it would cost about $8,000 to remove the paint, which will have to be done by a restoration team from a high angle with ropes and other safety equipment.

The ranger said Chenier told him he was on an RV trip with his wife that started in Ottawa, went up through the Yukon to Alaska, then down through British Columbia and into the U.S. through Washington state.

“Chenier acknowledged visiting other national parks, although he wouldn’t name which parks he had been through in the United States,” reported the affidavit.

The affidavit added that Chenier said he chose the popular Duck on a Rock geological formation because “it was so special that if he left his name, then his kids would be able to see it 20 years from now.”

Chenier has been charged with damaging United States property in excess of $1,000 and littering.

__________________

What is with this Chenier fellow? Was he upset at the U.S. because the border patrol made him leave his Molson in Canada? Is the American beer too weak? Did he not find a souvenir tuque at the souvenir stand?

Then again, this didn't appear to be anger at the good ol' U S of A as much as just stupidity and extremely poor judgment. Help me, you Canadian readers! Is there a different set of morals and ethics up north? Are you trying to take over the US by placing your signatures on anything that stands still? Help me! Help me understand you!

I know, my Canadian friends are saying "Monkey Man, don't group us all together with one idiot that has the need to do unspeakable things to natures beautiful wonders. We are much smarter than this one character even though our football fields are 110 yards long, we only have three downs and allow twelve men on the field with as many people in motion as we can possibly have."

Truth be known, I. Just. Don't. Get it. From anyone, from any nation. Why would you want to vandalize something as awe inspiring as the Grand Canyon....or any other national treasure. Ours or another nation's.

Clearly, "Luci" had some 'splainin' to do. Not just that you want your kids to see your name emblazoned across a big rock in 20 years. Doesn't fly Cannuck.

Can you just hear the crowd from the tour group as they saw this fellow with his spray can and in unison said "What the Hell?" eh!

Sunday 160 - Winding Down

2011-09-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

The last hot breath of summer

rushed from the hills

to the valley below.

Warming with all its might

the cool air

left by fall's stealthy visit

the night before.

______________________________

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - It is upon us

2011-09-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hypnotically entranced before the sacred alter,

he murmured in a slow inaudible tone.

He rocked in a rhythmic pattern

as family members leaned in

to try to make sense

of what they perceived

as a meticulous mantra.

Finally someone said,

“Would you please

step away from the television?

College football season doesn’t start until Saturday.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Quit Clowning Around

2011-08-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Last week may have brought you one of the dumbest criminals on record, but this story brings the just plain goofiest....and I love goofy stuff. Here's hoping you do to.

Golfer Mistaken for Clown

BATAVIA, N.Y. - A Massachusetts man whose colorful golf attire was briefly mistaken for a clown outfit has been charged in New York with driving a golf cart while drunk.

The Genesee County sheriff says they got a report that someone dressed as a clown was operating a stolen golf cart in the western New York town of Batavia on Sunday night. Deputies found 37-year-old James Straub, of Stoneham, Mass., driving along a road.

He wasn't dressed as a clown - just wearing some colorful clothing after an outing at Terry Hills Golf Course. But deputies say he was intoxicated.

Straub pleaded not guilty in town court to a misdemeanor count of driving while intoxicated and a lesser charge of refusing to take a breath test. He didn't have a lawyer at his initial appearance.

______________

I must say that I am shocked no....not that someone mistook golf attire for a clown outfit that a golfer was intoxicated. Really, now. Golf is an intense sport.....just like softball. As a matter of fact these sports are so intense and involved the participants require multiple breaks for the libation and smoke of their choice.

Have you ever seen a football, basketball or soccer player stop in the middle of a game Note I didn't mention baseball to smoke and drink? Oh, wait. Europeans play soccer, er, futball so there may very well be smoking and drinking during matches. I know there are in the stands...how else would you explain hooliganism??? You never hear about that sort of thing in the states. What? A brawl in San Francisco when they played the Raiders?? Impossible.

Back to the story. I am so easily distracted. Picture, if you will, James Staub in the 19th hole after his round of golf. Beertender says "Buddy, hand over those car keys, you're too drunk to drive." To which James replies, "F.U. I doan need no stinkin' car to get outta here," runs out to hop in a golf cart and races off into the evening only to be caught in an O.J. Simpson slow motion chase with the local sheriff.

Lights pulsating in signature red and blue. Siren screeching out a staccato Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Sheriff walking next to the "speeding" cart all the while thinking "This guy really is a clown," while drivers in cars pass by looking at the scene and asking themselves, "What the hell?"

Sunday 160 - Calm Down Irene, Please

2011-08-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

Under the comfort and warmth

of calm blue Pacific Northwest skies

he counted his blessings

and hoped those same skies

would soon appear

on the eastern seaboard.

______________________________

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Exercising Discipline

2011-08-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Shaking his head back and forth

in utter disbelief, he said,

“I’ve been using these exercise videos

for more than a week

and I’ve actually gained weight.

I just can’t figure it out.”

To which his wife eagerly replied,

“Maybe if you actually DID the exercises

instead of just watching, you might see some results.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - GPS Jewelry

2011-08-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes even I am amazed at the stupidity of some criminals and I read any number of articles in order to find one that truly qualifies as a candidate for my What The Hell Wednesday. What follows, from our friends at The Associated Press, may possibly be a story of the dumbest dumb criminal yet.

GPS Places Suspect at Scene of Crime

MARLOW — A man wearing an ankle monitor as a condition of his release on bond has been arrested after the monitor placed him at the scene of the theft of oilfield equipment.

Stephens County Sheriff Wayne McKinney says Lonnie Nunley was arrested Friday after a deputy and the owner of the stolen equipment saw some of the items in the back of Nunley's truck parked outside his home. McKinney says Nunley denied stealing the equipment — but the ankle monitor placed him at the oilfield at the time of the theft.

The GPS monitor was placed on Nunley in July as a condition of his release on bond after he was charged with stealing about $300,000 in equipment from other oilfields in southwest Oklahoma.

I mean really, dude. Were you not listening when the courts strapped that ankle bracelet on you? When they told you it was a monitor? Were you just going "Nya, nya nya nya....I can't hear you."? And what's this about leaving the stolen items in the back of your truck.....in front of your house? Can't afford a $3 tarp? What a idiot! yes, I meant to say "uh idiot".

Then you deny stealing anything right to the faces of the property's owner and the police. I guess that's the thing about stupid people, they think that everyone is just as dumb as they are. "I din't steal that thar stuff off'sir. Sum buddy mussa put it der."

At which time the office notes the jewelry on your ankle and says "We'll see about that."

But really! Oil field equipment? Really? Since I'm not from Oklahoma, but that other 'O' state that cuts down trees to ruin the environment as opposed to drilling for oil, I don't understand the sharp reasoning behind this theft. Gonna go drill for your own oil, Lonnie? Gonna try to sell it back to the original owner? Gonna hold it for ransom?

Whatever. Stupid is as stupid does and I am sure when he was shown a print out of his recent locations he shook the beans out of his ears and said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Silent Love

2011-08-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Face to face and hand in hand.

They sat in silent conversation.

Neither having to speak a word.

Both knowing what the other felt.

Love didn’t need to be chatty.

______________________________

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - The Legend

2011-08-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

Parting his lips slightly,

he curled the edges of his mouth

and revealed his dazzling smile.

He winked at his admirer,

who, not surprisingly,

winked back.

Ever the charmer

and always humble

he thought to himself,

“I’ve still got it,”

when a voice from behind him said,

“Quit worshipping yourself in the mirror, will ya.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Just Another Nut

2011-08-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Just when I was thinking it was a bad week for a really good stupid criminal stories, this one popped off the page okay it was my screen because of the Nutcracker headline. I was thinking about the great innuendo I could create around that, even though I have a reputation as a pretty PG blog. So we'll just have to see how that goes.

Woman Held After Nutcracker Attack on Man

A 19-year-old Palm Bay woman faces charges after police said she beat a man with a wooden nutcracker, then slapped and bit him following an argument over messages left on her cell phone.

Brianna Del Rio was charged with battery after police were called to a residence to investigate a disturbance. Police officers arrived to find a man identified as Del Rio’s boyfriend with cuts on his face and a bite mark on his side.

Del Rio will have an Aug. 24 hearing on the charge.

Police said the couple had gotten into an argument Aug. 6 over the cell-phone messages, prompting Del Rio to attack the man, first by slapping him, then by hitting him with a wooden nutcracker and other objects.

Del Rio told police that the man held a gun to her head but officers did not find her story to be credible, reports show.

Before I start commenting on the content of this wonderful tale....I just have to wag my finger at the writer - "had gotten"? Really? You're a journalist? Had gotten? Puleeze. Just go back to school....elementary school.

Oh yeah. the story.

What did "boyfriend" write in his text? Maybe Brianna is an English student and he wrote something that included "had gotten" in the body of the text. Wait! That's my fixation. But what was it? Did he really tell her how she looked in those pants?

The she grabs a nutcracker...a big wooden nutcracker! Who keeps those big wooden nutcracker hanging around the house any time but Christmas? She must be...uh....nuts. Then she slaps and bites him. What? The nutcracker not making big enough marks on this guy?

Okay, I know, it takes two to tango or crack some nuts so I am sure boyfriend isn't totally innocent here. Back to the text. Did he send something he meant for someone else? Did he call her another person's name...? A GIRL's name? Or was he using the text break up method?

Boyfriend Text: i no i m right in front of u but this is gud bye.....can i have my nutcracker back?

I guess that might piss someone off. If that was the message and it wasn't the alleged gun at her head, how lame. I am sure Brianna said "What the Hell?" just before she began the process of giving the nutcracker back.

Sunday 160 - Wish upon a star

2011-08-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

He remembered gazing

into the night skies as a boy

wishing upon white threads of light

streak across the heavens.

Now he just wished the pollution wasn’t light.

_________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - On Edge

2011-08-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

Pacing back and forth, back and forth.

Anxiety dripped from every pour

and an imperceptible growl

erupted from a face on the verge of a snarl.

The entire room stopped,

all eyes drawn to the restless figure.

Until a lone voice broke the silence,

exclaiming,

“For God sake, would someone please let the dog out."

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - A horse of a different color(blindness)

2011-08-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

In an effort to show that the good old U.S. of A. doesn't have exclusive rights to dumb stuff, we travel to England where, just like last week, our accused lawbreaker gives us a course in creative thinking.

"Colorblind" Horse Runs Red Light

BARNSLEY, England -- A British man fined $82 for driving his horse-drawn carriage while drunk said he ran a red light because the animal is colorblind.

John Mulvenna, 56, who also received a 12-month conditional discharge when he pleaded guilty in Barnsley, England, to a charge of being drunk in charge of a horse and carriage, maintained he went through the red light because his horse, Fred, is colorblind.

Authorities said Mulvenna also directed the horse the wrong way down a one-way street.

John Dobbin, Mulvenna's lawyer, said his client had consumed four pints of beer prior to the incident.

"He thought he was in a proper state to control the horse and trap," Dobbin said. "It is clear that he was not."

I'm not sure which is funnier - the fact that Mulvenna blames the running of a red light on his horse being colorblind or that there is a law for "drunk in charge of a horse and carriage? Or that he named his horse Fred, which I also think is hysterical.

Mulvenna: "Oy am sorry, constable, sir, but me orse iss colour blind aund coo-unt tell watt colour the lawght wus. Oy've tried to train the bloody bugger, but ees a stubbun one, that Fred."

Constable: "So, Mr. Mulvenna, does your orse also have a problem reading directional sawnage? That would explain why ee wus edding the wrong woy down this street, now woo-n't it?" All Brits sound like actors from My Fair Lady, don't ya know.

It's so nice to read that we Americans don't hold exclusive rights to stupid excuses. Or doing really dumb things under the influence. Did Mulvenna think his horse would just take him home....you know...like in the movies? Drop the reigns and just let the horse head to the barn. I'm just glad the horse didn't get hurt.

But really! Blaming the horse for being color blind and not being able to tell red from green??!? Eventually this will be a great story for Mulvenna to tell in his AA meeting. "And then theya wus tha time me orse, Fred, run a red lawght and Oy blamed im instead of taken me own responsibility for me actions."

I can imagine after hearing Mulvenna blaming him for the law breaking, Fred the horse, if he could talk, would have said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Pet Reality

2011-08-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

A 2 AM knock at the bedroom door

was his daughter holding her dying pet.

His mind said,

“It’s only a rat.”

His heart said,

“It is not the rat that counts here.”

_____________________________

Our 18-year-old daughter has had a fondness for rats since grade school. They are intelligent, clean and friendly. She is on her fourth set and loves them dearly. Last night we lost one to old age. Her mother sat with her most of the night waiting for the last breath to be drawn. It was sad but not unexpected. The heartbreaking reality of pets - we love them, but out live them.
_____________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

What The Hell Wednesday - Dark Knight Indeed

2011-08-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I am not going to find a story with a main character more stupid than the last, I get a big surprise. I am sure you won't know whether to laugh out loud or just shake your head back and forth after reading this story. I did both.

Man trying to steal car blames Batman

PITTSBURGH — Pittsburgh police say a man tried to carjack a plainclothes officer near filming for the latest Batman movie — and allegedly told him it was part of the script.

Detective Robert DiGiacomo was in an unmarked vehicle around 7:15 p.m. Saturday, looking for a suspect in an assault. That's when police say a man opened the car door, sat down and told the officer to get out.

The officer drew his gun and ordered the suspect, 21-year-old Micah Calamosca, out of the car. He says the suspect told him he was part of filming for "The Dark Knight Rises" and that taking the vehicle was in the script.

Calamosco was taken into custody and faces a charge of robbery of a motor vehicle.

I take it young Micah thought Detective DiGiacomo was as stupid as he was. I really hope that DiGiacomo's gun was a Smith & Wesson .44 magnum Model 629 with 10-5/8" barrel and he looked Micah Calamosca right in the eye and said, "Do ya feel lucky? Well? Do ya, punk?" just so the whole movie fantasy could play out the way our young carjacker wanted it to.

I will admit that the "taking the vehicle was in the script" idea was pretty darn creative. Quick thinking for someone who clearly has very limited gray matter between his ears. The mere fact that he knew what was going on is rather amazing to me. It would have been more believable if he had said "Batman made me do it."

Another fact I really like in this story is.....Karma! Keep doing bad ~~shit~~ stuff to people, Micah, and you will get caught or something bad will happen to you. Will he learn his lesson? Sadly, probably not. But at least he got caught and written up in the local paper so I could find the story and share it with you all here.

Once again, I would have loved to have been a fly in the car when macho Micah told what he thought was just some easily intimidated schlep to "Get out" and was greeted by the barrel of a gun. I am sure he squeaked in a very high pitched voice, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Wicked Game

2011-07-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

Baby did a bad, bad thing

dancing at the Blue Hotel.

“Speak of the Devil,” she said,

“I want you to want me

and let me down easy.

You owe me some kind of love.”

_______________

Guess whose concert Monkey Man and Mrs. MM went to last night?

First one in with the correct guess gets a prize!

Yah! Blogger shwag.

(Even an casual fan can get this one.)

_____________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Shaken. Not Stirred.

2011-07-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Gold Band cigarette dangling from his lips,

he said in his best Sean Connery voice,

“Weer shomething tight in all the rrright places

aund make shoe-err it doesn’t hawve many buttons.”

He winked and adjusted his bow tie as she replied,

“Cut the James Bond crap.

I’m your wife.

Oh, and put on some pants.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Creativity in Court

2011-07-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I run into a story that nearly makes me prematurely utter my typical closing words....and this one crosses that threshold.

Felony Stupidity?

TAMPA, Fla. -- A Florida lawyer for a man who lowered an anchor on a cruise ship while drunk says his client committed "felony stupidity."

Daniel Castillo, who practices in Tampa, Fla., asked a court Thursday to dismiss a federal indictment against Rick Ehlert, the Tampa Tribune reported. He suggested charging Ehlert under a federal law designed to go after terrorists is overkill.

"He's guilty of felony stupidity -- that he is," Castillo said. "But I don't think it should be a federal crime."

The MV Ryndam, a ship belonging to the Holland America line, was on its way to Tampa from Costa Maya, Mexico, in November when Ehlert broke into a control room and lowered the anchor, Castillo said. He said Ehlert has admitted his actions.

No one was injured and the vessel was not damaged in the incident, but the arrest warrant said the sudden anchoring could have damaged the rudder or punctured the outer skin of the Ryndam. Someone also threw a life buoy overboard, causing the captain to halt the ship for 40 minutes while passengers were counted to make sure no one was overboard.

What was that now famous line Dean Wormer said to the men of Animal House? Oh yeah, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." Well, I don't know if this Ehlert fellow was fat, but he was certainly drunk and stupid. This may be the most honest attorney I have seen quoted in the news.

If only there really was a law that allowed sentencing for "Felony Stupidity". I can think of any number of people who should be arrested on that account...like these -

Cell phone talking, blinker flashing, burger eating, make-up applying driver that is also yelling at his or her kids.
Rush to get ahead of me in line at the check out counter, fat ass bitch.
Rolling through stop sign while not making eye contact because "if I don't see you, you aren't there" driver.
Cell phone talking jaywalker who flips me off for honking before I slam on my brakes to avoid running him over person.

...and those are just a few I can think of at the moment. I am counting on you guys to come up with some of your favorites, too. I know you will.

Back to our story. I say "Book 'em, Danno." This guy was so premeditated. He had to locate the control room, find the anchor release and know how to endanger his fellow passengers. Drunk or not, he should pay for his actions. Who knows who would read this story that will take it to the next level knowing how easy it is to get access to a control room. Or maybe just keel haul him like they used to do in days gone bye. "Enjoy the Ride, Rick. This one's on the house."

All I know is when I first read this story, it was me who said those three little words. What the Hell?

Sunday 160 - Love Life

2011-07-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

They walked in the cemetery

with the clicks of shutter

and rush of breeze

the only sounds.

Until he said,

"If this is my only life,

I'm glad its been with you.”

_____________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Unknown Fear

2011-07-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

At the door,

scratching and a moaning whimper

sent cold chills down his spine.

Fear overtook him

as he fumbled for a light switch,

paused,

and thought better of turning on a light.

As he reached for the doorknob,

he froze.

Heart pounding, he heard

“It’s only the dog.

Quit watching Zombie movies before bed.”

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join me for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Dumb and Dumber

2011-07-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

Every now and then there is a story that is an extremely sad commentary on society. Or maybe just a sad commentary on some people's choices. This is one of those that I just don't get.

Groom Arrested at Courthouse Wedding

DECATUR, Ill. -- Something came between a central Illinois couple as they waited to marry -- a court order forbidding the groom from contact with the bride.

The (Decatur) Herald & Review reported that 23-year-old Billy Rutherford was arrested for allegedly violating the terms of his bail as he and his fiancee waited outside a Macon County courtroom to get married.

Rutherford was free on bond after being charged in March with aggravated domestic battery. The fiancee had told police in March that Rutherford beat her for an entire day. Rutherford was ordered to stay away from her and was arrested later in March for allegedly violating the order.

Rutherford hasn't entered a plea in either case.

I'll enter his plea - WOMAN BEATING IDIOT! Guilty! When I read a story like this I am not sure what makes me angrier, the man who beats a woman or the woman who continues to let that man into her life. AAaaaarrrgghhh! He beat her ALL DAY!!

I guess this is a time where the justice system was in the right place at the right time, even though woman beating idiot wasn't....or maybe he was. The sad thing is that this woman will probably be waiting for him when he gets out of jail assuming he goes where I hope he doesn't get much "respect". If necessary, I will start a rumor that he is also a child molester which I am sure will get him much props in the pokey. I dig karma. I also dig that both of them were too stupid to remember there was a restraining order on the table. I hope they don't have kids. Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed.

"Monkey", you might say, "You are showing a very angry side here." I know I may be hitting a sore spot, but what makes a woman or man keep coming back for more abuse? It's just plain stupid and pointing out stupidity is what What The Hell Wednesday is all about. Okay, sometimes I also praise heroes, but dumb asses seem to pop out a bit more in the stories I read.

I can just see the look on dumb ass Rutherford's face as he was cuffed at his own wedding and prevented from participating in wedding night activities. He no doubt looked at his bruised fiancee's face and said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Teacher?

2011-07-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

"You taught math at my high school while I was there?

Why the only math teacher

I remember then was always half drunk," she said.

“That was me!” came the reply.

_____________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

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____________________

55 - You can't hide

2011-07-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

Her life and the lives of others were in her hands.

She knew what she was doing

was illegal and dangerous.

Weaving from lane to lane,

in denial of her actions,

she felt she was still perfectly capable of driving.

As long as her phone was at her right ear, maybe no one would notice.

_________________________

In Oregon we have a law that you can't use your cell phone while driving unless you use a hands-free device. I am amazed at the people who think they can get away without the hands-free by trying to hide their phone against their right ear....away from the more "exposed" traffic side. Who do they think they're fooling? Of course these are the same people who think as long as the phone is in their lap, they can text and drive, too. I say "STOP"! Put the phone down. Go to a store, any store, and buy a cheap hands-free for $25. Come on. Quit risking your life and the lives of others. Better yet, get secure enough with yourself that you don't need to be "connected" 24/7.

Idiot.

_________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - New Twist on Drunk Driving

2011-07-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have to do quite a bit of research to find just the right story for WTH Wednesday. Other times there are so many good choices it is difficult to pick just one. This was one of those weeks. Do I choose the story of the brother and sister going to jail for fighting over a sandwich? Must have been a really good sandwich. The woman hitting a man in the head with a frying pan after he refused to let her use his razor? Come on, now. what man in his right mind would? Or the story about the dude who posts a video on Facebook showing him careening over garbage cans with his car? Thereby assuming everyone of his "friends" has no common sense just like him. While these were tempting, I chose this story......

Man Steals Inebriate Service Van

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Anchorage police say a city van used to pick up inebriated people was taken on a joyride by a man suspected of drunken driving.

The Anchorage Daily News reported that 35-year-old Donny H. Weston was arrested after police say he got into a Community Service Patrol van parked with the keys in the engine. Police say social workers were attending inebriated people when Weston got into the van.

Police say Weston drove the van for a significant distance, including driving against traffic, and he eventually crashed the van into a bus and ditched it.

The van is part of a city program that picks up inebriated people and shuttles them to sleeping center.

Police say the inebriated men in the back of the van didn't notice the joyride.

Okay! Someone needs to hit the old thesaurus and find out a substitute word for Inebriated! How about - Bombed, Smashed, Plowed, Sh!*faced, Loaded, Plastered, Sloshed, Stewed, Wasted, Tight - I mean really....there are lots of choices other than "Inebriated". Guess they just like to be politically correct at the Anchorage Daily News. (Notice how I left this wide open for all of you to add your two cents worth....as I am sure you will. Yeah. Go ahead. Get Creative. I know you want to.)

A couple of points stick out for me in this story. First, I guess only in Alaska do they leave the keys in the engine. Cars must be different there. Personally, I leave my keys in the ignition. Who edits this stuff?

Second, the van shuttles the "inebriates" SAY IT!! Drunks! Bums! to a "sleeping center". Again...stop with all the PC crap....it's a drunk tank. They go there, sleep it off and then the local talent tries to get them to go to AA which is a great idea, except....you can't tell a drunk when to stop. They have to figure it out on their own....do it for themselves not because someone wants them to quit. Ooopps. Was I preaching?

So Donny goes joy riding in the drunk van with passed out drunks in the back. What a riot. If only those boys in the back had some semblance of consciousness they might have had some fun. Or crapped their pants...one.

I know for certain that if one of them would have "awakened" when Donny crashed into the bus he most assuredly would have said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Zuihitsu

2011-07-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

Baby jays perched on a rooftop.

Cirrus uncinus clouds painted on an azure canvas.

Desire to fly crushed

by downy feathers and immature muscles.

Flight tomorrow?

_________________

This was a zuihitsu, Japanese for "follow the brush", a method of composition that is jotting down thoughts as they come to you. Used by fourteenth century poet and Buddhist monk, Kenko, I find it suits my lazy style of writing. I was so glad to find there was a name for the randomness I put down on paper or type on my laptop.

_____________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Who's there?

2011-07-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, he found himself on the familiar front steps.

He felt safe and secure at last.

As he reached for the door,

it swung wide open with an aggressive force.

Stepping back,

he was greeted by an angry voice shouting,

“How many times do I have to tell you?

You live next door. ”

_________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Don't Mess with Grannie

2011-07-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

Stories like the following anger me because they are about crooks preying on the weak. But I do love the turn this story takes when one of the angered "weak" strikes back.

Caned Car Helps I.D. Crooks

NEW CASTLE, Pa. - Pennsylvania police say an 89-year-old woman used her cane to dent the car of two people who stole her friend's purse, and authorities were able to track down the getaway car based in part on the cane's imprint.

New Castle police Chief Thomas Sansone says the woman and her 82-year-old friend were accosted outside a pizza shop Sunday. Police say 27-year-old Jerry Brown Jr. grabbed the purse but couldn't peel away before the 89-year-old banged the car's trunk with her cane.

Police found the car, and, based on the description of the robber - and dents matching the cane - arrested Brown and 21-year-old Tatiana Vargas.

The two are jailed on robbery charges and on warrants for unrelated crimes.

Stealing from an 82-year-old woman and her 89-year-old friend. Lousy creeps. Just give me and probably a few hundred more people who feel like I do about this sort of victimization a couple of minutes alone with one of these idiots. That's me with the ~~tire iron~~ well reasoned explanation to Mr. Brown of why he shouldn't pick on little old ladies.

I just love that the elder woman was so angered she swung her cane at the car. Way to go, Grannie.She now comes in a close second to my other elder statesman hero from Jacksonville.I am telling you...that generation is not to be trifled with. They will use anything handy to smack the crap out of an "evil doer". Maybe we should have sent a company of octogenarians to Afghanistan or Pakistan to find Bin Laden. Bet they would have found him and beat him to death with canes and walkers and whatever else they could lay their hands on. Gotta love 'em.

Back to my story. Grannie smacks the car with her cane and has the presence of mind to i.d. the perp so police can pick them up. And you've gotta know the police weren't happy about two twenty somethings picking on little old ladies. I would be pissed, too.

I would have loved to have seen the expressions on the faces of those two slime balls when police matched a cane handle to the dent in their car and cuffed them. Eyes bulging. Mouths flopped open. They looked at each other in shock and said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Rockets Red Glare

2011-07-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Darkness left the sky

as explosions filled the void.

It was at once beautiful

and deathly.

Shells screamed and burst

with unforgiving fire.

July 4 was a thrill.

____________

Here's wishing all of you a Happy Fourth of July...even if you don't live in the States.

_____________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Mystery, Man

2011-06-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

A lone silhouette

walked slowly up a fog-shrouded street.

The upturned collar of his overcoat

and low brim of his hat

obscured his face

from the light of passing cars.

Stopping,

he glanced up and down the street

and said to no one in particular,

“I wish I could remember where I parked my car.”

_________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Lame Excuses

2011-06-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

I just love it when I find a story that is short, entertaining and to the point. The following is exactly that. As I read these five simple sentences, the movie of the mind started rolling and I couldn't wait to start filling in a few blanks. You'll understand as you read along.

Sobriety Test Reveals More Than "Bad Foot"

DESTIN — A 55-year-old man was arrested May 31 for carrying a concealed weapon.

Louis Cruz was pulled over when a deputy saw the man driving erratically. After he was pulled over, Cruz said his truck had a flat tire, which caused his truck to swerve, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s report.

When the deputy performed sobriety tests, Cruz leaned down and showed the deputy his “bad foot” and accidentally revealed his ankle holster.

After Cruz was arrested, he said he did not have a weapon permit.

_____________

'Scuze me, I am still laughing so hard over Louis Cruz' brain power that I am having a hard time typing. I had to ask myself, did Louis get confused between flat tire and flat feet? How can one forget they are wearing an ankle holster? And where in the heck is Okaloosa? Why would someone want to name a county after a combination of the tornado state and a city that was the butt of a Marx Brothers joke?

So, Louis Excuse, er, I mean, Cruz stumbles out of his truck, give the police some lame excuse about a flat tire causing his erratic driving then blames his failure to - a) walk a straight line, b) stand on one leg or c) remember he is carrying a concealed weapon - on his "bad foot".

Come on Louis! Couldn't you point to the leg without the ankle holster and blame that "bad foot" on your problem? Hmmmm. Mind a bit fogged, Louis? Not that you were drunk. Noooo. It was a flat tire and a "bad foot" not drugs or alcohol that caused your problems. Always an excuse, eh, Loser, I mean, Louis.

What kind of surprises me, though, is that Louis wasn't arrested for DUII, but for carrying a concealed weapon with no permit. Who needs the whole drunk driving thing when you've got bigger laws to take him in for breaking.

Can't you just see the expression on the officer's face when Louis raises his pants leg to point out his "bad foot" I just love writing that in quotes and low and behold Officer Okaloosa sees hidden fire arms and says "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Into Thin Air

2011-06-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

Wispy clouds

tried with all their might

to form dragons

and dogs

and angels

but the sun

melted them into nothingness.

Leaving the sky

a singular pallet of blue.

____________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - St. John's Eve

2011-06-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

The floor was alive with writhing serpentine bodies

as the Queen stepped up to her altar

and began her dance of worship.

Followers ceremoniously

knocked three times

on the portrait of St. John

and waited for the Queen’s signal.

Yes, it was St. John’s Eve,

but all this ritual just to order a Voodoo Doughnut?

June 24 is the religious celebration of St. John's nativity. An event created in the seventh century by Christendom in an effort to place a Christian brand on the pagan summer solstice celebration. All a part of that era's Christian plan to convert as many pagans as possible. Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau began a tradition of practicing voodoo rituals on St. John's Eve. A tradition that continues today in New Orleans.

Oh my God....I just gave historical background on a 55. I may have read one too many posts by the G-Man himself. For shame.

____________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Facebook Felony

2011-06-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Although I do have a Facebook page, I am not a huge fan of posting ~~all of my "important life activities"~~ status updates on a moment to moment basis. You won't find me doing - this....

Monkey Man

Woke up. Showered and made coffee....but not at the same time. Although I am so wonderful I probably could.

Monkey Man
Drove to work. Traffic Sucked. Don't other drivers know how important I am.

Monkey Man
Everything I say is interesting.....just ask me.

We all know the THAT Facebooker. Is that a word? "I may not be much, but I'm all I think about." Yeah. That guy...girl. Whatever.

The point is, you should be careful on Facebook or this may happen to you......

Facebook Post Attracts Robbers

Near St. Louis - Police say a Facebook posting apparently prompted a home invasion and robbery in Alton early Monday morning.

Alton Police Department Chief of Detectives Scott Golike said one of two young women who live in the home had posted a message on Facebook, boasting of receiving a monetary settlement in a civil court proceeding. He said the mention of money apparently attracted the robbers.

"This is a good lesson about how not to use Facebook," Golike said.

Police are seeking two men who allegedly broke into the residence at about 1:30 a.m. on Monday.

Golike said the men, both wearing bandannas and armed with handguns, burst into the home and held residents at gunpoint.

As it turned out, no one was hurt, the robbers obtained no money and took only a few of the residents' personal belongings. The two women live with several children and a man who was not home at the time of the robbery.

Police have strong leads regarding identity of the suspects.

________________

Right off the top..."live with....a man who was not home at the time of the robbery"....."strong leads regarding identity of the suspects." Coincidence? I think not. But definitely hand over your "friends" list to the police. Maybe they will see that comment on your status that says -

Joe Friend Soooo...where are you keeping the cash??? You can tell me. I'm your most honest Friend.

Man of the house is conveniently gone. I am guessing he is either a part of the gang of thieves or the thieves just waited until the young women posted a status saying "Boy, I thought he would never leave." What a bunch of morons.

I wonder if they played one of those games where they ask questions. You know the ones. The "Top Five Smells I Like Best". Or "My favorite ten movies". Or "Best places to hide my civil suit settlement money".

Now back to the thieves. Did they really think they wouldn't be caught if they were allegedly using Facebook to get to this girl's money. You think they can't follow you following someone else? Hmmmm. I don't know how, but surely they can.

Well, anyway you look at it. When the thieves didn't find what they wanted, I am sure they looked at one another and said "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 Surprise

2011-06-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

An eerie quiet

drifted through the hall

and down the stairs.

He crept round the corner

to the kitchen

and was startled by voices shrieking,

“Happy Fathers Day.”

____________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

Words of Warning Prequel - 55

2011-06-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Knowing he was taking his life into his own hands,

he continued his task

and hoped SHE wouldn’t see.

He reached out

and carefully wedged the forbidden tool

between food and pan.

Suddenly, he felt a blade

pierce his back

and heard the voice say,

“I told you, no metal spatulas on my Calphalon pan.”

_________

This story was inspired by the lovely and talented Pheromone Girl.

Read her "Words of Warning" 55 from last week for the immediate

part II of this story....if you don't remember it.

_________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Cramped Crook

2011-06-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while we will go to no length for a story. In this case no pun intended we travel all the way to Spain where thievery gets verrrry creative and we love creativity here at the house of Monkey okay, I just made that last part up.

Contortionist thief caught hiding in suitcase on Spanish airport bus

A contortionist used his skills to steal valuables from travelers as they stowed their luggage in the undercarriage of an airport bus, but was eventually caught when his accomplice left him behind.

Flexible crook Krzysztof Grzegorz would hop into a suitcase and be placed underneath the Barcelona airport transfer bus by a friend who would purchase a one-way ticket.

While in the luggage hold Grzegorz would let himself out and steal items such as laptops and jewelery as the bus made an hour long journey from Girona airport to Barcelona city center.

Once they arrived the bag containing Grzegorz would be picked up and taken away without a fuss.

Shocked victims would constantly report missing items only after they had arrived at their hotel, but detectives were left scratching their heads as to how they went missing in such a short space of time.

The cunning pair were eventually busted when 29-year-old Grzegorz's partner in crime refused to pick up the suitcase and left him beneath the bus.

After police were called they opened up the suspicious case to find him clutching a device to break zippers, a mobile phone and a head light so he could see in the dark.

Oh my God! Don't you just love how many zees this guy has in his name? He is obviously NOT from Spain. Just a gut feeling, but definitely not from Spain. That must be why he finds it so easy to steal from them. Maybe he is still angry about something from the Inquisition. Surely someone with a sense of history will go off on me about that last statement.

So, one dude stuffs another guy into a suitcase and shoves him into the smelly, exhaust filled belly of a transit bus. Who has the better job here?

"Okay, Krzysztof, my friend, curl up in dees little box and I vill pick hue up in an howare. No an oxygen mask von't be neeted. Just fill up dees bag and hop back into dee suitcase. Really! I vill come and get hue." I have no idea what that was...but it is some sort of accent.

Sure! Honor among thieves.

Apparently Krzysztof's partner had determined he no longer wanted to share the loot. No splitsies. No halfsies. Not anymore. Someone had a plan and someone was a pawn. Imagine that.

But really. How did Krzysztof we will just call him Krazy Kz from here get OUT of the suitcase? AND...how did he get back IN? So Krazy Kz must be small or the suitcase it really big. Zipper tab on the inside? Hmmm. Ya think.

Well, regardless, when Krazy Kz realized he wasn't going to be picked up - literally in every sense of the word - then got arrested. He must have said "Vat da Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Desire

2011-06-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

She wanted a tender caress

and to hear

“I love you”.

She didn't know how to ask.

He wanted to touch her and say

“I love you”.

He couldn’t get by his stoic past.

_________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Breathtaking Curves

2011-06-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

His heartbeat quickened at an astonishing pace.

Never before had he seen such beautiful curves.

When one stopped another began

in seamless, graceful continuity.

He felt he was gazing upon a masterpiece.

He wished to reach out and caress the skin.

It was the first time he had seen

the Experience Music Project in person.

_______________

Business took me to Seattle this week. I have been here hundreds of times and occasionally stay at a hotel virtually across the street from the EMP and Space Needle. As the sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, the EMP gave inspiration to this 55. It is a structure with a constantly changing visual appeal and a flow of architectural curves that has no equal.

___________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - One Tough Gator

2011-06-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Heroes of many types have graced these posts from stupid criminals to assorted "just plain idiots" who are continually out to prove the human race may not have advanced as far as its technology. In today's WTH, I focus the just plain silly from a story in my local Oregonian as written by The Associated Press.

Police Battle Hard Headed Gator

Police responding to a rare alligator sighting in suburban Kansas City, took quick action to dispatch the beast, shooting it in the head, as instructed, while it lurked menacingly in the weeds leading to a pond.

It wasn't until a second rifle shot bounced off the reptile's head that the officers realized the had mortally wounded a concrete lawn ornament.

A resident of a subdivision near the pond called police that evening to report that his children spotted the alligator while they were playing in some nearby woods.

After consulting a conservation agent, who told them to kill the gator if they felt it posed a danger, one of the officers shot it twice in the head before realizing something was up.

"It didn't move," said a police spokesperson. "They inched up closer and closer and discovered is was a mock-up of an alligator made to look very lifelike."

Where do I start? This scene is so Keystone Cops, so Boss Hogg, so Barney Fife get the idea yet? have a covered all the generations? that I just had to share it. But let me start at the beginning. It was a couple of kids trespassing in a neighbor's yard that started all this - Kids! - and dad didn't verify. Dad just called 911 in whiny, panicky, little girlie voice, crying for help.

So the cops show up and, yes, it was evening, and start sneaking up on the poor unsuspecting "reptile". Weren't they suspicious when the critter didn't skitter away at their approach? Or when it stayed still after the first shot...not writhing in death's throe? So they shoot again! Evil concrete killers.

What I want to know is how these two fine men in blue were able to shoe their faces back at the precinct. Do you think they might have been teased? Just a little? Noooo. Police would never do that to some of there own. Nope. Never.

One thing is certain and that is when the police finally got close enough to see this was no real alligator, the most assuredly said, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Cutting Strings

2011-06-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Parenting to the best of our ability,

we felt we had prepared him well.

Nearly 17 and a man-child,

all we saw was our little boy -

ready to take over the world.

______________

I will admit that I am biased, but that aside,

one of the most outside the box Sunday 160's I have ever seen

can be found on Pheromone Girls' blog. yes, it's a real link

If you don't visit her...you are missing out.

Really!!

_________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Smoking Seduction

2011-06-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

The burning ember glowed a rich orange

as smoke swirled gracefully and seductively

from the perfect pout of her ruby red lips.

In low light the cloudy effluence was like a spot light.

Drawn as a moth to a flame,

he leaned toward her and said,

“There are laws about smoking in a public building.”

______________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - 21 and Over Only, Please

2011-05-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many more readers I will get because I titled this "21 and Over Only"? Everyone out there looking for some material beyond a 'G' rating will have to check out the following story to get to the bottom of my title.

Thief proves old enough, just not smart enough

Colorado Springs - A thief walked into a corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the register. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber spied a bottle of scotch behind the counter on a shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag with the money.

The clerk refused and reported saying "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he wanted proof. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the bottle of scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he read from the driver's license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

_________

So for all of you who thought this was going to be some steamy story of sex, well, you should know me better. I may be sick and twisted, but I try not to be over the top raunchy. I leave that to others.

Now, back on topic. I just love how this clerk kept his cool and took this tool for a fool. Me? I would have been so afraid staring down the barrel of that shot gun, that I would have given the thief the money, the bottle and my shirt if he wanted it. "Just don't shoot me!"

But Mr. Cool Clerk...nope...he is either a genius or much more afraid of the authorities that would bust him for giving booze to a minor than he is of the gun. I say he is a Genius. Sizing up this idiot, whose bravado is tied up in a gun, and challenging his age. Genius! Brilliant!

Cool Clerk: "I can't give you that scotch. You're not old enough to drink."

Tool: "Am too."

Cool Clerk: "You're just going to have to prove it then. Show me some i.d."

Tool (rocking back and forth from one foot to the other as he looks over his shoulder): "You is a idiot! Can't you tell by my whisker that I is over 21?" thieves are always illiterate

Cool Clerk (authoritatively): "I.d. please."

The balls it took to go down that path. I bow to you, Cool Clerk, and your creative quick thinking. Although Tool may not have been the sharpest knife in the drawer, that was some quick thinking.

As for the arrest. Wouldn't you have love to have seen the expression on the face of Tool as he opened the door to the police and stammered, "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Remember

2011-05-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

We feel them in our hearts.

Mothers.

Fathers.

Sisters.

Brothers.

Friends.

Today we speak their names

and we remember.

Peggy.

Keith.

Howard.

Don.

Jessie.

Cheryl.

______________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

Free Falling 55

2011-05-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

Scan the earth below

looking for a proper place to land.

Concrete and open,

treed and enclosed

or jagged and rocky.

So many options from this heavenly perch.

How does one make

what many would think

is a simple decision?

Jump.

Float.

Fly.

Feel the weightlessness.

Watch the earth near.

Let the wind decide.

Splat.

_________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - A Pointed Argument

2011-05-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

When I am upset with service at a restaurant, I generally leave a tip that is appropriate to the level of service or if the food is not so good, I just don't come back. Some people, however, react differently as you can see by the story below.

Woman Draws Sword During Argument at Pizza Hut

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — A Louisville woman faces first-degree disorderly conduct and menacing charges after police said she took out a sword during an argument at a Pizza Hut.

According to an arrest report, Wynika Mason was causing trouble at the Pizza Hut on Seventh Street Road and police were called.

When police arrived, she began yelling at them.

Customers and employees were in the restaurant, and employees said they felt threatened by Mason’s behavior. Police were told Mason had a sword with her and began yelling and pulling it out of the scabbard. Mason’s brother said he took the sword from her and put it in the car.

Officers were given consent to search the vehicle and found the sword on the driver’s seat.

It appears the Wynika has issues with her communication skills. I don't care how bad your pizza is, you just don't go all Samurai in a restaurant....not even Benihana where they approve of great work with sharp objects.

Truth is, I have never had to unsheathe my sword over a bad meal. Bad service??? Well, maybe I
just toyed with the handle a bit to get my point across. But never released from the scabbard. Okay, I exaggerate - I don't even own a sword.

What really puzzles me is why are they letting her into the restaurant with a sword? Wouldn't you either ask her to take it back to her vehicle or immediately call the cops right after she walks in, slams her sword on the counter and orders up a combo with "NO ANCHOVIES, DAMMIT!" Maybe, just maybe we have anger issues here. Hmmmm? I guess I'd be angry, too, if my parents named me Wynika. Always having to pronounce it for people. Always having to spell it. Perhaps that was the issue here. After she ordered her pizza they asked her name and replied, "Could you spell that for me?" after she gave it to them. Then she went ballistic. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Fortunately, her brother was there to separate her from the sword so nobody got hurt. Poor guy having to follow his sister around to keep her out of trouble. What a life.

One thing is certain, when Wynika pulled out her sword and began threatening people with it, a chorus of voices from every patron in the store sang out"What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Never Good-bye

2011-05-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Do we ever really say good-bye?

Emptying our mind of thoughts,

memories and emotion?

We miss the talk, the touch

and the person

but we never truly say good-bye.

__________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Is Spring Here?

2011-05-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

Fog embraced the tree-covered hills

and crept to the flat of land.

Relentlessly choking color

with its monotonous gray.

Stealing depth

and obscuring images

from even the best of sight,

its cold dampness chilled the core

yet left life-giving moisture for shrouded

no longer greenery.

With winter like presence,

Spring was suffering an identity crisis.

______________________________________

This was the 55 I scheduled to post for last week.
Written on a day that was not very spring-like.
Apparently the Gods are Monkey Man readers
and chose to make me eat my words because since
last Friday, we have had wonderful Spring weather
in beautiful Portland, Oregon. Glad they have a sense of humor.
____

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - Curb Your Dog

2011-05-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

As a dog lover, I am easily drawn into a story involving one of our canine buddies. However, after reading the story below, I am not so certain there was a REAL dog involved or if this was simply the kid who used the old "The dog ate my homework" excuse at school and took it to court.

Chihuahua Gets Blame For NY Bomb Scare

CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. - A dog that wasn't quite housebroken may have indirectly been responsible for a bomb scare at a New York courthouse.

The trouble began Friday when 19-year-old Melvin Ruffin arrived at a court complex in Central Islip following a long bus ride from his home in Bellport. According to Ruffin, during the trip another passenger's Chihuahua urinated on his backpack. So, he stashed the wet bag in some bushes while he went inside to answer a disorderly conduct citation.

While Ruffin was in court, a retired police officer saw the bag and alerted security. Ultimately, the bomb squad was called in. Officers used a robot to determine that the bag didn't contain anything harmful.

Ruffin was let off with a warning to be more careful next time about where he left his stuff.

Is this a happy ending??? I guess it is, except young Melvin didn't get a bill for setting off the security emergency. He clearly had experience in this matter....after all he was at the courthouse on a disorderly conduct citation. Isn't hiding a dog urine soaked bag in the bushes kind of disorderly in itself? Especially in this age of paranoia.

There are a couple of unanswered questions here. Like....What is a chihuahua doing running around loose on a bus? And....How can such a small dog wet an entire back pack? That's one full bladder.

Me thinks dear Melvin may have been hiding his backpack for some other reason, but we may never know. Clearly the "not quite housebroken" Is that like not quite being pregnant? chihuahua was the only dog involved here....no drug sniffing dog appears to have been called to the scene. Nor a bomb sniffing dog. In either case, they would have probably tried to mark their territory over the previous mark. In which case the backpack might as well have been blown up because you could never remove that stink.

Note to Melvin - Dude! Carry the bag in with you held at arm's length between the thumb and forefinger with your nose averted. At least the courthouse security might then ask about it and give you a chance to deal with it properly instead of hiding it suspiciously in the bushes. Does this kid kid have any reasoning power at all? Oh yeah, he was there on a disorderly conduct charge. Melvin is a regular brainiac.

So I wonder who said it first - The bomb squadder who opened the backpack to find a pee soaked sandwich, an empty baggy and unread school books or Melvin as he left the courthouse only to find his backpack being groped by local officials. Regardless, one or the other determinedly said "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Old Friends

2011-05-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

Mrs. MM found this beautiful "antique" on line and generously gave it to me as a gift. I had forgotten the wonderful sensory experience of typing on an old keyboard. The pressure, sound, even the musty odor of an old attic mixed with the slight smell of ink as keys struck the black ribbon. I hope this to be the first of many posts I will type in throw back fashion. No spell check. No easy cut and paste. Just raw "hand set type". Also, special thanks to Mrs. MM for scanning my typed paper and for taking and Photoshopping in the photo.

_________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 Love Hate Relationship

2011-05-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Delighted with my efforts,

I placed the final period

after typing my 55th word.

Proud as a parent of a new child,

I pulled my drop down menu

to properly schedule my post

for 5:02 PM

just after the G-Man

would open the gates

to shepherd in his ardent followers.

Then...

BOOM!

Blogger Exploded.

Shit!

_________________________

Even though G called off the day's event,

I still needed to vent.

So why not do so in the form of a 55.

Here's to Blogger.

Thhpppppbb.

What The Hell Wednesday - "Hello, 911? My Butt Calling."

2011-05-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to write this WTH on a Hispanic man who was wrongfully arrested for DUII and possession of 91 pounds of cocaine but the story was way too long and involved and as we all know, Monkey Man has no patience for that.

"But wait, Monkey! You can't tease us with a story about a wrongful arrest and just leave!"

Maybe I can.

But I won't.

Hispanic man had been driving cross country for 3 days to visit his sister. Woozy and exhausted from the drive, he was arrested because the police thought he was drunk. They were later proven wrong.

As to the 91 pounds of nose candy....well that turned out to be shrimp, cheese and tamale dough he was bringing to his sister as a gift. I sure understand that one. I often buy shrimp, cheese and tamale dough at the local store thinking it is coke. Jeez guys! Stop with the profiling.

Okay on to the real story.....

Cell Phone Butt Dials 911

LAY, N.Y. - An inadvertent 911 call led police to three larceny suspects overheard planning break-ins in upstate New York.

Onondaga County Sheriff said police, already looking for a suspicious person, got the unlikely assist when one of the men "pocket dialed" his cell phone's emergency number while driving near the scene of an earlier heist.

As a dispatcher relayed the conversation to deputies, the men discussed their plans, described their surroundings and even commented, "there go the cops now."

Walsh says that was enough for a deputy to turn around and stop the Kia Sportage full of tools stolen from a business in the Syracuse suburb of Clay. The dispatcher then heard the driver being asked for his license and registration.

The men arrested face grand larceny and stolen property charges.

First, a Kia Sportage??? What kind of self respecting criminals were these guys? Shouldn't they have been in a beat up 1986 El Camino or something? Serves them right for getting caught and put in the pokey. The police could have pulled them over for bad taste in cars alone AND without the help of the Butt Dial.

The Butt Dial. Ah, yes, the butt dial. Was this the hand of God at work? Nah, I prefer to think it was just Karma. These boys were going to get caught anyway, so they might as well have had a cell phone as an informant. I love how they thought they were so smart IDing the cops as they passed on the street.

"Hey! There go the cops. They'll never catch us. We is much too smart fer them."

Yup. Smart ass. Quit teaching your butt to use the phone and you won't get caught, dummy. I just love technology. Can't you see the expressions on the faces of these idiots as they were cuffed and place in a squad car. I am sure the owner of the cell phone, once told how the police located him, simply looked at his phone and said "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Mother's Day Wishes

2011-05-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's a travesty.

It's blasphemy.

It's wrong.

We hold this celebration

once a year.

When it should be everyday

for those held dear.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Everyday.

_____________________

Please pardon me if I don't visit your Sunday 160 right away.

It is Mother's Day after all and my attention will be in its proper place -

on the mother of my children.

_________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

55 - Choices

2011-05-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

The traveler strode in worn out shoes.

Clothing colored tan and brown

from the filth

permanently attached to the fabric.

His worldly possessions

carried in plastic grocery bags

repossessed from store recycling bins.

His shower falling from the sky

is not enough to keep grime at bay.

I wonder what his childhood dreams are thinking.

_______________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - How's my credit limit?

2011-05-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

This is a story that combine the best of both worlds - a stupid criminal and an equally stupid victim. I mean it! Both of these characters are sharp as marbles.

Crook calls to check if stolen cards still active - gets arrested

A 37-year-old Allentown man who had stolen his neighbor's credit cards and used them to make thousands of dollars in purchases called up the card companies several times to make sure the cards were still active, according to court records. According to court records, those phone calls helped land the crook behind bars.

Police say Angel L. Roman broke into his neighbor's home in December, taking her checkbook and credit cards and then using the cards to buy $7,400 in jewelry, televisions, cameras, video game systems and other items.

Jessica Hernandez told police since the break-in at her apartment, someone used six of her credit cards to make 26 unauthorized transactions from December until March 19.

Police learned from the credit card companies that they have received a number of calls from an unknown person about the status of the stolen credit cards. The credit card company recorded the cellphone numbers from the caller and provided it to police.

Allentown police checked their database and found the numbers belonged to Roman. On Wednesday police served a warrant at Roman's house and located several electronics that were purchased with the stolen credit cards.

Police interviewed Roman and he admitted to breaking into his neighbor's home, stealing the cards and making the purchases. He was charged with burglary, criminal trespassing, theft by deception, receiving stolen property, forgery and access device fraud.

Whew! That was a longish story. At least for me anyway. Why do you think all I usually write are 55 word or 160 character memes? It's about all I have the patience to read.

So, Angel who is clearly not living up to his name breaks into his neighbor's house in December and is so shocked that the cards haven't been canceled in March, that he makes courtesy calls to the credit card company to confirm the "previous owner's" stupidity. Did this woman never look in her purse? Six credit cards gone and she doesn't miss them? Never makes a call to her credit card company about missing cards? Excuse me for being so early with this line but "What the Hell?" rest assured I will still close with it. Then there is the credit card company who casually takes a number of calls from some guy whose identity they don't verify on a woman's credit card balance....and we are trusting these people with our credit information??? GAH!

These two actually deserve each other in some karmic way. They seem to be on the same mental wave length, if you know what I mean. And that wave is pretty darn small.

Beyond these two ding dongs, what surprises me is that the police actually went through all this effort to catch the thief. When my house was broken into many years back, all they did was look around, shrug their shoulders and say "Yup, you been robbed," and that was the last I heard from them or saw of my things. Maybe if I had left a credit card out for the thieves to call about on the credit limit I would have been better off.

So apparently our victim, Jessica, didn't open her credit card bills between December and March, thus was unable to see the strange and unauthorized charges or utter that famous line - "What the Hell?"

Sunday 160 - Get What You Give

2011-04-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

The King of Sarcasm

walked into the room

with tongue cocked

ready to shoot.

Zing.

Pop.

Bang.

Crippling blows

struck their targets

as he walked off

to sit alone.

____________________________________

If you wish to take the Sunday 160 challenge, here are the rules:

1. The Sunday 160 only uses EXACTLY 160 characters (including spaces).

2. Keep on schedule - post after 8:00 PM Pacific Time on Saturday.

3. Let me know you have posted via a comment on my site.

(Be sure to mention you have posted a 160. Provide a link if you can)

4. Visit at least one other Sunday 160 writer.

____________________

Sunday 160 News

2011-04-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hi all.

In the past I have been very stubborn about posting my Sunday 160 on Sunday. I mean, it's a SUNDAY 160 right???? But I have had the feeling it might be more beneficial for those who participate in this little meme if I post earlier.

So I am.

My Sunday 160 will pop up on Saturday evening from here on out. I hope this works well for everyone and thank you all for participating.

Monkey Man

55 - Unnecessary Punishment

2011-04-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

With all five children

safely tucked in bed,

he began working on his project.

Splashing his home

with the volatile liquid,

he muttered to himself,

“I’ll show her.”

His hands trembled

as his fevered, sick mind

reached into the small box

and ran the wooden stick on its side.

Ssskkkriiitttchhh.

WHOOSH!

Only tomorrows headline remained.

________________________________________________

This is a Flash Fiction Friday 55

hosted by Mr. Knowitall.

For more 55's pay him a visit -

Mr. Knowitall.
_____________________________________________________

If you think Micro Fictions are fun.

Come join us for a Sunday 160.

A challenge using exactly 160 characters

in a story, poem or writing of your choice.

What The Hell Wednesday - The KFC Test

2011-04-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

I just love the inner workings of a drunks mind and this story is a classic brought to you from down under. I also like this story because it's short which means some of you ADD-ers out there might even read it.

Melbourne drunk driver on way to 'test teeth' at KFC

A woman caught drink-driving has told Melbourne police she was on her way to try her new teeth on fried chicken. The 55-year-old from St Kilda East was caught outside the Prahran Police Station on Friday night and recorded a reading of 0.052.

It was her second offense in 10 years and she received an automatic loss of license. Police say the woman said she had decided to drive because she wanted to try out her new false teeth on KFC.

First off, I would like to say that I always thought of Aussies as big drinkers and accepting of that fact as a nation. But then again, maybe that's just one of those good old American bred stereotypes. We are so good at that. Well, if you are big drinkers and proud of it, then what are you Aussies doing taking in this poor woman when she only blows a .052??? Here in 'Merika we don't get hauled in until we blow a .08 and even then you are considered a lightweight if that's all you can muster out of your nightly binge. Plus second offense in ten years and they yank your license?? Maybe we could learn something from these folks.

What I didn't realize and what is the real story here, is that all new dentures need to pass the KFC bite test to be approved for use - in Australia anyway.

"Oy, mate. Oi see ya got a new setta choppas theya. Ya wanna take a bite a this shrimp from my bawbee?"

"Nao way, mate. Oi'm off to KFC to see if they'll hold up ta thawt bit o' leathah they call chickin. But fust Oi need ta stop off at the local waterin' hole to tank up on a bit of anesthetic."

Remember, this is Australia and that's the way they talk. At least I didn't make them sound like a bunch of hillbillies. That seems to be my fall back accent. You might be saying to yourself, "Jeez, Monkey Man, can't you do better than that?" You try typing an accent....it's not as easy as you might think and it plays hell with spell check.

I digress.

At least the woman had an excuse for driving under the influence, but it probably didn't prevent the Prahran police from looking at one another after she uttered her KFC reference and saying in their best Australian accent "Whawt the Ell?"